Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

I called her again last night and she still sounded upbeat. She kept saying how ugly she was. I kept telling her the swelling is making it look much worse which makes it hard to see the healing that is probably already taking place. She was upbeat and saying it in a joking tone but I know it was bothering her. It bothers me. I would have a hard time looking at the mirror too. I told her not too but she said the wounds are weeping as they heal and she has to pat the areas with a tissue so that they don't drip down her face. She needs to be able to see to do this, so she is reminded every time she has to do this. This SUCKS! I don't want my mom to be going through this. To tell you the truth I would rather it be my own face. I would rather bear the burden of this myself. Not my mom. She has worked so hard her whole life to provide for me and did everything possible to always do what was best by me. She has had a hard life with no one to really support her. She made decisions on her own. She raised me for 12 years on her own. Even now we don't have family and friends surrounding us while she goes through this and it just HURTS! I plan on calling whenever I can to check on her and make sure she knows I'm constantly thinking of her. She tells me she is okay, but I know she is shaken. My step dad is there but he is not affectionate. He is supportive and he is there to take care of my mom, but that is not in his nature. Thank god Z is very affectionate, protective, and supportive in everyway.
I just don't want her to feel alone this time. I'm here. I'm all grown up and I can handle this, right? I know what needs to be done, so I'm going to do it. That is the way my mother raised me. We will get through this and be better for it. I just wish things would hurry up already!
She is going stir crazy already and wants to go dress shopping on Thursday. She won't even have the stitches out until Friday LOL. I'm fiercely protective and don't want people to gawk and stare. I don't think I can handle it without bashing a few heads in. I'm just very emotional right now and don't want to go off like a loaded cannon. Z made suggested that I try to be patient with people as he knows I have a very quick temper and am very protective - bad combination for the wrong person to cross my path ;). All I can say is I'm trying but haven't really had to put my patience to the test yet...
I've only told one person at work. I don't want to tell everyone. I work with a bunch of guys in the IT networking department. They don't care and it would probably make them feel uncomfortable to tell you the truth. This is my place to get all my rational and irrational feelings out. I'm just so frustrated!
Z and I are supposed to go diving Saturday and a party that night. I don't feel excited about it at all and don't know if I'm up to it. On one hand I know that I should as I've already made Z wait two weeks since I was on-call last weekend. I still need to find a stupid wedding dress. I need to arrange a meeting with Central Market to taste test the wedding cake and place the order. I will probably get the invitations this weekend and will need to start organizing them and take them to the post office. I have a lot of shit to do and but I don't want to do it. But I will keep functioning as I have to, because things need to get done. It will help time pass and allow my mom to heal. I will keep working out and trying to make the best decisions I can food wise.
Maybe I'll feel better once I call her and hear her voice and know that she is doing okay. Or maybe after good workout at lunch I'll feel better.
Either way it couldn't hurt right?
My birthday is on the 12th and I'm going to be the BIG 30, but feel totally blah about it. I don't think mom will be up to going out so I offered to get take out and bring it home and we could celebrate there. I don't really care at this point. She wants to go out and eat, but we'll see how things go the rest of the week ;).
As far as Christmas... I have no idea what the hell too do. I don't know if I'm going to stay with my mom. I probably will. I think neither one of us is going to decorate this year. I'm not planning on it anyways. I'm just not in the spirit. Plus there is no time. Z said he would stay with me, but it is not going to be fun. His family will have so much more going on. I guess I should say "the other" side of the family as they are soon to be my family as well right? ;) I was going to spend Christmas Eve with my mom and take a train over to OR to spend the rest of the time with the other side, but now I don't know. I'm just all torn up about things. I'm not going to make any decisions right now. I'll just wait to see how things settle for now.
So confused.

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