Z and I hit the sack early last night and I actually got a pretty good nights rest. For once. It's been a long time. I was just so exhausted though. I was under so much stress and I was so sad and angry all at the same time. I still want to punch that doctor, but he did help my mom - I guess. She see's her normal doctor no Friday to get the stitches out. He will then look at the work the other doctor did and hopefully it will fine. I wish I could be there. I want everything to alright. I want someone to speak up for my mom. She is such a hard worker. Why did this happen? I want her to look like she always has. Beautiful! I always wanted to grow up to look like my mom. I was a pretty child but went through a major U-G-L-Y phase. I still have a hard time dealing with people telling me I'm pretty or good looking. I even have a hard time when Z tells me this sometimes, but he has instructed me to stay "thank you" and no commentary, so that is what I "try" to do anyways ;).

I'm still very concerned for her lips and face. The swelling makes it so hard to tell how bad things are. The stitches look even and well done, but how the heck can you tell when the tissue is 3x's the normal size!

Z is so wonderful. He asked for my mom's number and called to check in on her and to let her know he was thinking about her. How sweet is that? It totally made her happy. She already loves him, but that call won him serious points :). I called later when I had a break in my crazy schedule today and she was all happy and cleaning the house. She was able to shower and wash her hair. It was driving her crazy, but her neck was too sore for me to wash it for her. She is down to 1 pain killer today and feeling much better, though everything still hurts obviously. When she talks you can tell her lips are still swollen, but I can totally understand her. He eye/cheek is still swollen/black/blue/purple but that will slowly go away.

I've never held my mother so tight or felt that I needed to hold her up. She has always been my strength. I physically held her still on the side walk were she had fallen and I had dropped to my knees beside her. I remember being scared but trying very hard to keep my voice steady as I told her I wanted her to remain very still. I held her tight in the car and held her head still so that she could try to relax because she was in so much pain. I held her hand and leg when she was being man handled by that doctor. I was polite to by standers that offered to help. I was amazed how many people offered to help. It has renewed my faith in man kind a bit. I'm proud of the way I handled the situation. I'm a very emotional person. I anger easily. Z knows this. But I knew this time this wasn't about me. I had to be the strong one. I feel like something has shifted between my mother and I. Maybe I've proven to her that I can take care of her. If anything I've proven that fact to myself. I'm still reeling but work has been busy so that has helped to keep my mind off of things. I hope I won't have trouble sleeping tonight. It's when things are quiet and still that the thoughts haunt me. If I would of ran with her would of been able to stop her fall? Maybe she wouldn't have tried to run and we would have walked the rest of the way together. So many thoughts and questions that can not be answered.

I got a lot of the churning thoughts out while I ran this morning on the treadmill. I used to work through all of the things that were bothering me during my runs. I haven't needed to do this as much, since my life has changed so drastically but today I did and it was welcomed. I did 30 minutes of chest and 30 minutes of running. I ran strong and fast and pushed myself. I only felt strength and fluidity. No pain today. I was surprised, but happy. I would have finished the run anyway, but it was nice not to feel the constant pain in my ankles, knees and hips.

I don't know what I weigh today, but Saturday I did a quick check on the scale and saw 151.6 lbs after my workout before I met up with Jessi. I barely ate Saturday and ate even less on Sunday. My new jeans I bought with Jessi already feel baggy. I love them though. I'm sure once I wash them that will be different. I haven't had that much of an appetite. Thank goodness because we need to go grocery shopping. We don't have anything to eat in the house! I almost didn't have anything to feed poor Z! I had a Tbsp of reduced fat peanut butter for breakfast and coffee. I used to have that every morning. Z doesn't feel its a good breakfast, but it works and I love PB. We then both had a protein shake after our workout. It was nice. I'm glad we made the effort to make it to the gym this morning.

Workouts this past week:

Mon 11/28 - rest

Tues 11/29 - 30 chest & 30 running

Wed 11/30 - 30 back & 30 running

Thur 12/1 - 30 legs & 30 running

Fri 12/2 - 30 triceps/biceps & 30 running

Sat 12/3 - 30 elliptical & 30 running

Sun 12/4 - 1.5 running & 1.5 walking

Mon 12/5 - 30 chest & 30 running

* Thanks Jessi for burning a copy of TBL! Very motivational. I would kill to be 132lbs!!! I'm shooting for 145lbs for a short term goal and then 140 lbs. When I reach 140 lbs then I'll see if I want to pursue 135lbs.

We'll see. Tomorrow is a new day.

(Engaged 9/16/05)