Mom and I went running/walking today. We actually ran quite a bit. We haven't been running quite as much and opted to catch up instead since it seems that I never have an unlimited time with her anymore now that my life has picked up moc speed. We going on our last lap and I was getting cold. I said I wanted to run just a bit to get warm and would loop back to her so that we could continue to run together. She waved me on and I did, but when I started back towards her she started waving wildly and told me to keep running and to meet up with her and walk on the way back. At firtst it didn't seem like a bad idea as I was trying on dresses that afternoon and was still trying to get a bit of the Turkey Day bulk off. I started off and only got a few meters away and heard her start running as her paced picked up. I decided I wasn't gonig to run very far so that she could catch up to me and we could continue to run together, but then I heard a sickening sound. The sound of her foot catching something and her hitting the ground. For a split second I prayed it was someone else that fell and my mother was still running behind me, but as I turned I saw my mom laying face down prone on the sidewalk. I never ran so fast. I didn't breath the entire time until I got to her side. I dropped to my knees all the while calling her name I noticed her glasses laying next to the right side of her head and there was tissue hanging from the very badly bent nose pieces. I almost paniced. I had to get her on her back but carefully. I didn't want to hurt her neck if she had hurt it. I gently turned her over and was horrified by the the state of her mouth. Her lip was torn and there was a cut between the nose and the lip, her forhead was cut and I wasn't sure if her nose was hurt as there was blood there too. So much blood. Out of no where a car stopped offered help. Brought a blanket or a towel to put below my mothers head. I was holding her there, because she was fighting me to get up embarassed by her fall and not wanting people to see. She didn't know how bad it was but as I would do, she kept saying things were fine. I finally let her sit up and hugged her firmly but losely to not touch her face and told her to please stay still. I held very tightly. I told her she was not ok and I needed her to stay still until I could get my step dad on the phone. I thought he was in the car. Thank god I had my cell phone in my pocket, but he wasn't asnwer. I started to panic, but caught it just as the driver offered to drive back to the parking lot to look for the car and him who would probaly be sitting in the car waiting for us. I said yes please. The lady next to me offered to run down there as well. There was an older gentleman next to me who just kept calmly talking to us with his little dog next to him. I was very grateful as I felt soo alone.
Where was my step dad?
How could this happen?
Why wasn't I there to catch her?
I shouldn't have left her side?
God how can I do this?
Why her, it should have been me?
Finally I looked down the side walk and saw my step dad. He just had eye surgery for a <(sp?) caterac? So he was blind still in one eye. I was waving madly. He's old and has really bad knees, so he can't run. It seem to take an enternity. I told him to hold mom and I grabbed the keys to get the car. I've never run so fast. I got the car and almost lost it in there by myself but I had to remain strong for my mom. I got there and blocked traffic. Amazingly no one honked at me. I'm sure they saw us helping mom with a bloody tissue into the car. I was happy to see she could stand as I wasn't sure if her knees or leg had been hurt during the fall. She sat there on the sidewalk teh entire time until I got her by the arm and helped her up.
My mom was hurt bad and I couldn't do anything about it. It was killing me. I bulkeled her in and rode holding her and somtimes the tissue to her face. There was so much blood! I didn't even bukle in. I didn't care. I didn't want her to feel alone. I was trying to instruct my step dad on how to get to St. Josephs Hospital at the same time. I could tell he was stressing as he wasn't listening and I couldn't remember the cross streets to get there but knew that if he went through down town Tacoma we would be able to see the "bug house" I so fondly named it when I was kid from the street above us. I was right! I could tell his sight was still in question but didn't offer to drive as I wanted to be able hold my mom. The pain was kicking in something fierce. It had actually started when I finally got there with the car. She was moaning and not very responsive though I kept talking to her asking what hurt how were her teeth. She finally got a little exasperated and indicated she couldn't respond due to the pain but I saw this as a good sign. She was still with me and didn't lose consiousness. She hit her head that was for sure but I didn't know how bad. I was hoping there was no concussion.
We got there and they checked us into a room fairly quickly but we didn't see a doctor for a while. The doctor that did come in was very rough. HELLO? Can yous ee the torn flesh on her lips an face, maybe you don't want to put your stupid big as fingers all over them and move them around stupid ass. He kept pushing on her eye. It was sooo swollen. Well it still was when I left her today, but the stupid oaf was poking and prodding like an idiolt as my mom kept flinching in pain. I asnwered almost all of the questions along with my step dad. My mo couldn't barely utter words as her mouth was swelling still. Her check was not broken - thank god, but it was very tender. I started getting nauseous every couple of minutes and I knew it was because of the state my mom was in and see her blood and her face so badly beaten up. This is why I changed majors from Pre Med to Busienss. I love to work with computers that don't bleed. I love working with people, but I can't. I just get all flushed and light headed but for my mom it wouldn't subside. I wouldn't leave her side. I didn't want her to feel alone. I wanted to protect her. My step dad is even worse when it comes to that type of thing so he let me stay by her side. I would need brief breaks to sit down and put my head between my legs but I made it through. The worse was when the oafish doctor was injecting the numbing solution directly into the open gaping wound. He didn't nicely say that it would hurt and that he would have to inject the area directly into the painful wound. He didn't say he was sorry. He just prepped the needle.I saw this and warned my mom it was going to hurt really bad for a moment and to hold on. I grabbed her hand and held tight. I don't know if it was for her benefit or mind. I couldn't stop watching. I had to try to protect my mom, but I couldn't stop this pain even now. I watched him shove the long needle into the hole in my moms face and lip and she just started to shreak but did an amazing job of not moving. She brought her leg up so I grabbed it and she cried like I've never seen my mother cry. It made me cry and angry. I finally yelled at the doctor to "give her a break!!" and was just a few inches away from his face. He looked at me and stopped. I don't know what I would have done but I wanted to hurt him. I was all tensed and had my moms arm and leg and wanted to punched him. I wanted to make him stop. He must of seen this, because he stopped and backed off. GOD!! I know that he has to do that but couldn't he be a littel more caring?!!! Tender? FUCK!!! They didn't give her any pain meds though they said they would once we checked in. What the hell did he expect? How would he feel? Alone, in pain, worried about being disfigured? Then having his old guy poking you in the face isn't going to make it better right? Stupid fuck! Anyways he didn't check to see if she was numb before he started in with the stiches. I quickly asked her before he started, but just continued on. She flinched and that is when I said she still feels that!!! Can you wait!? He said oh sorry we'll wait a bit more. She was in so much pain and couldn't talk that her squeezing of my hand and body language was all I could go off of. When he tried again she didn't flinch but I asked if she was feeling pain and she shook her head. He had to suture the inside of the tissue and then the outside with very fine stitches. I had to take a few nauseous breaks during this process and then held my moms tired cold hand while he injected the second hole in her face and she cried and shreaked in pain again. He started trying to suture too early again as my mom flintched and I told him to wait as she was still feeling pain. The pull back of the head and the squeezing of my hand was all I needed to have him stop stupid FUCK!! Don't they know how long it usually takes. GOD! Her left eye and cheek were all swollen and black and purple. She couldn't even open that eye. He lips were HUGE and stictched like frakenstine but he actually did a good job. I watched him like a fucking hawk to make sure. He was NOT going to ruine my mothers lips by god! The lines of pink delicate tissue look like they line up right, but they are still swollen so we'll see as time progresses. On the way home she got a little car sick/nauseous so I quickly unbukled to open her window and that helped. Once she got home she did amazing better. She changed. I didn't get to wash her hair as her neck hurt so much, so I'll maybe go over tomorrow. I made soup for her and mac and cheese for my step dad. I cleaned the dishes made sure she had water and tea and then once she laid down to rest I finally left to have my breakdown in private on the way home. I realized this is the first time I've had to care for my fully and that I'm not ready to have her need me like that. I'm not ready for my mom to not be strong and my everything. I can do it and I WILL do it, but it was scary. But I was impressed by my power to not panic or cry. I told my self I wouldn't cry and I didn't. Not in front of her. She was doing much better when I left so I felt better when I left. I called and checked on her about 6 hours later and my step dad said she was feeling pain, but went to bed after taking some pain pills and would hopefully get some rest.
The only thing my mom kept asking was when can I got to work? I've got clients. Not, how bad will it look? Will I be disfigured? She also apologized for ruining my wedding dressing shopping. WTH? I could care less. I was sorry she was in so much pain. Who cares about the other crap. My mom the trooper. She actually started to call clients as soon as she got home! Crazy! Oh and on the way out she tapped a lady waiting in the lobby who looked at her and then looked away like she didn't know her. I thought maybe my mom was loopy but then asked the lady if she knew my mother and then she said "oh my" I didn't recognize her. That is how bad my mother looked. Looks. But as soon as the swelling goes down and the brusing subsides she will look/feel better.
Today was a crappy day. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I'm broken. Z was on the mountain skiing and had no idea, but how could he. How could any of us know? He felt bad for not being there. He is so wonderful. I'm sure I'm feel a bit better once he holds me tonight. I hope I don't keep replaying the scenes in my head all night. I really need the sleep. We shall see.

(Engaged 9/16/05)