Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

Damage report: 155.0. Up 2.8 lbs but that is what I figured. I've already been to the gym for 1.5 hours and prepared my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. If I feel up to it I've also packed my workout clothes for another workout during my break if I'm feeling really ambitious. I know the weight will come off. I just wish I hadn't gained any, ya know? I was totally paranoid this weekend because I knew my pants felt tight around my waist (as they do right now with me sitting here), thighs, and butt. My baggy 8's are no longer baggy. They fit and that worries me to no end. I could try to kill myself with exercise and starve myself but I don't want to do it that way so I'm trying to be patient. Those of you who know me know that word does not exist in my vocabulary so this is hard for me. The battles that have taken place in my head have been exhausting. Add the negative voices in my head that are berating me for loosing ground and calling me weak just about every minute I feel the tug of my belt around my waist and I'm surprised I haven't gone bonkers yet. I'm very disappointed in myself. I need to get control of this now before I grow right out of my clothes. What happen to consistency? What about food not being the main event? What about the fact that I'm worth more than that piece (or pieces) of pumpkin pie and a slice of pecan pie to boot? I've just kind of inhaled food that I don't normally get to eat and I'm paying for it. I feel like it's all backed up in my system thanks to my poor waste receptacle - things haven't exactly been moving very regularly in lieu of all the food that has been packed down in my gullet. I'm sure once I get things going there I feel a bit better. Maybe not so bloated and icky - if I keep up with the exercise and food watching that is.
I keep asking myself why? Why do you do this to your self? To be honest it is more than just eating the food for me. It's the texture. The temperature. My mood. The event. The smell. Who is with me and how much they are eating etc. It's an obsession. Yes I'm a food addict. I also use food to feel my emotions at times. Being angry all of the time used to help me not eat because I was punishing myself and the only real outlet I had was to workout. So if you do not eat much and workout a bunch - voila! You loose weight. But once the anger is gone and the normal eating returns the workouts are not enough to sustain the weight loss. You maintain a bit and then you bounce back up and then you have to do drastic measures to get back the pounds you gained but each time you do this the harder it gets. I'm just sick of it. I know my mother can see that I've gained 10 lbs back but she won't say anything. She actually says I look healthier but I know she is worried. She's thinking - uh oh! Is she going to gain it all back? She can't. She'll scare of Z and then he won't want to marry her because she's fat again. No one will want her. She'll never get married and never have kids. She doesn't say it but it's written all over her face. This makes me want to eat to dull the pain and embarrassment of it. Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me again. My mother loves me. Am I reading too much into a simple statement or look? Yup, probably but the point is the thoughts don't go away. With every breath I can feel my belt fitting me more than it ever has and it makes my mind race faster with more thoughts and fears of gaining even more. Will it ever end?
These thoughts have lead me to believe that I need to focus on my thoughts and feelings again. I need to figure out what is triggering this. I need to get my head straightened out before I can loose this weight permanently. I thought about going to counseling again but I didn't like the idea of that so instead I started with buying the book, "Why Can't I Stop Eating?" by Debbie Danowski M.D. I really want "Confessions of a Reformed Dieter" by A J Rochester but it's not available yet - darn! I'm going to read this and try to look inside myself to organize my thoughts and continue with working out and counting points. Hopefully it will give me some insight into why I do this to myself. I've never really been into eating sweet stuff. I just over eat. Plain and simple. Maybe this book will help. It can't hurt.



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