I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately about my food issues and it's finally hit me that they never truly end. They are forever with you. Last year I thought that I actually solved my issues with food by finally loosing the weight and changing my life by ending a really bad relationship. Since then I have met the man of my dreams, completed my BA surgery and feel more grounded, but yet I STILL have food issues. The 10 lbs that I've gained since October 2003 is proof enough of that, but it's not like I haven't been trying I keep telling myself. Not consistently but I've been trying to watch what I eat and workout, but it hasn't been enough this time.
Then I started thinking about what is different this year versus last and I realized that I no longer have the same anger and frustration fueling me to berate myself for eating too much or being too tired to workout. Working out was my only outlet for all of frustrations in my life.
I used to be so ANGRY at my self for letting my ex neglect me and how he never treated me the way that I should have been treated.
I still get sad when I think about how lonely and uncertain I felt growing up with just me and my mom. I used to eat all of the time. As soon as my mother would leave the house I would eat. I still have issues with not wanting to graze when I'm alone. I have to try to keep my fingers busy and stay out of the kitchen. I ate to fill the void. For entertainment. I always worried. I was an only child. I was a latch key kid. I was always afraid and not sure of myself. I let other kids bully me. I was chubby and I felt stupid and not worth people�s time. I was ignored and neglected in school since my private school teachers didn't think I was worth their time and effort as well. I mean what could a minority, chubby, not that bright, soft spoken, child from a single parent home amount to anyways? Plus my mother wasn't part of the church because she was always working to keep food on the table and trying to make that extra penny to help pay the pricey tuition for my wonderful non existent education from this private institution of hell.
I finally left that craptastic place and started to find the beginnings of my self and my voice. It has grown stronger and stronger with each passing year. Each new experience changes me in a new way. Every bump and bruise that I received since has only made me stronger.
Yet the feelings remain. They never go away. They will always be there. Like a patch covering a tear in the fabric of my life. Each mark tells a story of how I came to be. I'm not ashamed of my scars I just don't want them to rule my life. I don't want to be untrusting. Hard. Closed minded. Mean. I don't want to feel the need to use food to numb the bad emotions when they threaten take over my peace of mind. I don't want to wake up one day overweight and unhappy again. I want to embrace life and all that if has to offer.
I'm now faced with needing to find that special something within me that will help propel me towards my goal of being physically and mentally healthy which ultimately means happiness to me. Something that helps me love me for me and all of my shortcomings. Because don't I need to learn to love myself before I can let someone else love me? Z already loves me but I still grapple with the thought of truly loving myself. I tolerate myself. Some days are easier than others, but the majority of the time I feel like I'm at odds with myself. I want to find peace. Maybe one day. I just have to keep trying.

"Self-discipline begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don't control what you think, you can't control what you do. Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterwards."

"It's not how many times you fall down but how many times you get back up."

"Sometimes the race is not won by the swiftest of runners. It is won by those who keep on running."

BTW 152.8 lbs this morning. Slowly but surely.

Food:
7 points so far. I'm going to stick to under 20 again today.

Workout:
80 minutes on Precor

Mood:
Pensive.

Overall:
Good. Looking forward to turkey day with my parents, Z and his family.

(Engaged 9/16/05)