Kelly put it best. I couldn't exactly put my finger on why I'm sad when I should be the happiest I've been in my life because I've found the love of my life and he loves me and treats me like a princess, but she hit it right on the head with her previous entry.

"I'm sad that last year at this time, I was 145.6 lbs and very comfortable in size 6s. This year I'm guessing I'm 10 lbs above that and lucky to find 8s that fit. I felt so proud of myself this time last year, I actually allowed myself to have a good time because I was thin, and therefore worthy (I know, it's demented). This year fat girl's mentality is back and I am punishing myself for everything. I won't allow myself to enjoy shopping because I SHOULD be shopping in a smaller size. And I won't let myself enjoy vacation eating because I SHOULD have been more disciplined all year long and therefore, deserving of having treats. I won't enjoy going out and doing things because I SHOULD look better and people will think I'm fat."

"I have a lot of issues and backsliding has only brought them out more."

"...I've gained weight and I hate the idea of them (other people) knowing that. It's terrible that I only feel that I can face them when I look better than I did the last time they saw me."

"...I knew she wouldn't be able to keep it off."

Now I know that I've only put back on 10 lbs but I can feel every inch of those 10 lbs in my clothes. I can still wear everything I wore last year except for 2 pairs of really small jeans that I could barely get into last year in hopes of getting into my dream size 6, but in time I'm sure I'll be back in them. I'm sure people can see it. My mother hasn't said anything yet, but I'm sure she will when she gets her chance. I need to get these pounds OFF! Last week when she was doing my hair she asked if I was still trying to loose weight and I said yes, when am I not? She said that I didn't need to loose any more weight but I do. I want to be at 142 lbs again like I was last year and I'm going to do it. I want to feel slender and fit and happy. Yes skinnier equates to happier in my book. Sad but true. I've got a plan to get the weight off and that is what I'm going to do. I'll probably do a few weeks of just cardio with weights here and there but I really want to focus on cardio first to get the fat off. One day at a time. 6-7 days a week. It's time to be hard core about this. I want to be happy with myself again. I want to smile and mean it when it comes to my body and how I feel about it. I want to feel like the me I was last year around this time.

(Engaged 9/16/05)