The other day I pulled out my old workout guide and food plan that was provided to me by my first personal trainer when I was in college. The stats on the first page read:

Age: 22
Weight: 188
Body Fat: 39%

HOLY CRAP! I know I weighed much more a couple years later when I finally stepped into WW's for the first time. I starved myself before I went, but I was at my whit�s end. I know I was above the 200 mark but I weighed in at 198. I went down to 142 lbs at my lowest. They were rough times even though I was at my lowest weight. I started working out compulsively, barely eating. Drinking WAY too much. No sleeping enough. I was on a destructive path though I didn't know it. I was running away from feelings that I didn't want to deal with. Ending an 8 year toxic relationship will do that to you. I lost a lot but I gained so much more. I met the man of my dreams. I'm closer to understanding my self. I'm working on excepting myself, but still shooting for the best me that I can be, and I changed my job and am now working at "Dream Company". My stats now are:

Age: 29.5
Weight: 155ish
Body fat: ?

Much better, but still room for improvement. I work at it everyday though some days feel more daunting than others. I'm very independent and strong minded so I will never give up on myself. I can't. I always want to be better. Look better. Feel better. I don't think that it's too much to ask for. I just need to learn patience.

On another note, lately I feel kind of lonely and frustrated at times. I have no girl friends that I spend much time with. I have a few VERY close girl friends that I barely ever get to see, but they are there for me when I need them. I've always had a hard time with females. I've always hung out with guys though that kinda ended when I met Z :). I'm not complaining but I feel lonely and I have no one to just hang out with. Plus I have a busy schedule and so do my girls. Plus some are engaged, married, just married, have kids or are having kids. I need to find some people to hang out with, but where? Maybe rec volleyball at the Pro Club? I haven't met anyone at the gym for all the years that I've worked out. I don't hang out in bars anymore and if I do I'm with other friends. How does a grown women meet friends to hang out with similar interests?

I've also been feeling a bit of jealously. I'm in a wonderful relationship but I wonder when will it progress. I don't want to be pushy and try not to be, but it's hard to ignore my friends, family and co-workers asking me if I'm engaged yet. Heck even my reads are getting engaged and married. :) I'm feeling kinda left out, though I don't know or understand how that can change the "great" thing that I have right now. I just know that it is something I yearn for, but only if it is really meant to be. Only if I'm really wanted. Only if... I want it to be a surprise. I don't want to fret about it, but sometimes I do worry. In the quiet recesses of my mind it lingers all the time. When? Why now? Why does it bother me? Maybe because I've found the one I think. Before I used to avoid it like the plague but now I'm drawn to it. I want to feel that special bound with someone. I think I'm finally ready. But then again there are a lot of things that come with it. This much I know. I'm willing to do what it takes if I'm met half way. Just to clarify I also do not think marriage will "complete" me. It will just enhance my current life and take me to a path of more happiness and fulfillment. These are just my thoughts though. I don't know maybe I need to find some friends to do things with. Not that I have the time to do them ;).

(Engaged 9/16/05)