Still here. Just not much to write.

I miss my Z.

I haven't wanted to run, thus I've been doing the elliptical instead for up to 2 hours a day. Just trying to keep my days filled with something. At least I'm doing something.

It's so quiet.

So very quiet.

I went to the gym twice yesterday. Once before work and during my lunch break. I just needed something to do. There is no one to really talk to. Everyone is busy with their own lives. Plus they don't want to hear my complaints. They don't care. So why bother?

Life goes on around me while I feel motionless and still.

I feel tiny and invisible without my Z to light my days and nights.

I never thought I would become dependent on someone just being there for me. Someone other than my mother. I never thought I would feel this way.

I'm looking forward to going camping this weekend, but I hope I'm not a wet blanket. I will surely consume a good amount of beer, but not too much. I don't need that many unnecessary calories. I'm trying to loose weight still - even though it doesn't seem like it is working. Darn scale! It keeps inching upwards the last couple of days that I've been looking and I've been tracking my points, packing every meal and cooking at home to watch the calories. What the Feh?! Oh well, I'm just going to shoot for a week on plan. I'll take my weight next Friday and pray for the best. Of course next Friday is right before I'll be on TOM, so that might include bloat but give me a break. Throw me a bone will ya? Just a few pounds down. Give me something to feel good about.

Additionally, I've been feeling more and more insecure about my body. I have lost almost all of my breast tissue after loosing 42 lbs (previously 56 lbs - argggh!). I was happy at a 36C but not very happy with my stomach that matched it. Now I'm barely a 36B on a good day, but Z says he loves them no matter what and doesn't like me to wear padded bra's. But he says he would support me if I wanted to get breast augmentation. I'm going to schedule a few consultations this evening hopefully for next week to get more info on the subject. My mother doesn't want me to, but she realizes that I'm an adult that can make her own decisions � aka I'm stubborn. I promised I would share the info with her and tell her what was discussed with the doctor. I'm still trying to get the 10-15 lbs off and realize that when I get them done that might add to my weight, but I'm still willing to investigate the process. Maybe more on that later.

So all in all I'm here, not feeling very talky (despite how wordy this entry was), not very motivated to run all of the time, and feeling lonesome.

(Engaged 9/16/05)