What happens if there are people on this earth that truly don�t know how to be happy? I mean even as I see myself typing this question, it sounds stupid but yet I stand here wondering if I can ever truly be happy. I have a wonderful life and a man that loves me but yet I�m fucking it up. I can�t even see to control how I go about doing it. I feel possessed even. I don�t understand how I�m making the same mistakes.

Why can�t I stop? He doesn�t need me to be in control over everything, so why do I keep trying to grab the reins? Then I find myself getting stand offish and my defensive protective self comes out and removes emotion and doesn�t want to get to close. I can feel a part of me sealing off from the rest of the world. Emotions are guarded. I don�t want any help. No I don�t NEED any help. I just need me. I can do it, because all I can trust is me. I can feel this take hold of me. I can�t even hide it. I know he feels it. He calls it getting all �hard� and it�s true. I put up this wall. I want to make everything PERFECT. I have to make everything perfect or else I�m not completing the task. I�m wussying out. I can not. Will not do this. I will complete it and I don�t need help. It�s my responsibility. It almost becomes do or die. It doesn�t matter how hard it is or how complicated it will get done. So what if you�re tired and it�s late. DO IT!! I don�t want to hear any fucking whining from you bitch. Understand?

I�m like my mother. It must be done now. No yesterday and it must be done quick and by your self. God forbid you ask for help. No you do it you�re self. Don�t burden other people. It�s you�re responsibility. It must be perfect and must run smoothly. I try so hard. So hard to make everything work smoothly but I always fuck something up. I�ve been doing this since I was little. Can never do anything good enough. I get so frustrated trying to get shit done. Too messy. Too sloppy. Not fast enough, yet when I try to speed up I just fuck up more. I just need to get it done. So close. It�s my inner battle. No one needs to know or understand. I�m just compelled to do it. Get it done. Then the demons can rest for a while. It�s like having your body and you�re mind taken over. Every fiber of you is in tune with the moment and how long it takes to get the job done.

Then you can breathe for a bit. But that doesn�t mean you can be happy. You can hear people who love you to not worry so much. To slow down. They even ask for help, but you can not be a quitter and accept it. It means you are week and a pain in the ass. Everyone has their own agenda that that they need to get done. They don�t need more work to do, so just pick up the slack and get it done. But it never stops. You�re never done. Just when you finish one there is another one.

Am I just destined to never be happy? What happens if I want to be happy? Even feel that I deserve to be happy, but I�m scared to admit that I don�t know how? Why can�t I? Am I going to fuck up my new relationship? Who wants to love someone who doesn�t know how to be happy with them selves? What they fuck. Everyone needs to learn how to do that before they can let someone else love them right? I don�t know if I can� I�ve tried. I know it is important. I just don�t know how. I always find myself lacking. I do know my strong points such as strength and independence and stubbornness but they are also the things that alienate me from my loved ones. Do I need help with this? How can you ask someone to help you with the most fundamental of all things? It sounds so stupid. How doesn�t one learn to love one self I ask you? Did I fuck up my previous relationship? Am I fucking up my current relationship? Am I just fucked up? What if I am? What do I do then? How do I get off this ride? It�s scary and I feel alone and really messed up. Not even my mother will understand because she is this way as well. I can not keep doing this. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy�I think. Don�t I?

(Engaged 9/16/05)