Or should I say a lot of thought as food for the brain? I�ve been doing a lot of thinking and it seems that I�m always in turmoil with myself. Not skinny enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not nice enough. Not a good friend. Not technically savvy enough. Not a good enough girl friend. Not a good daughter. Not a good person. Not clean enough. Not a good enough cook. Not good enough at my job. I�m just not enough. These are the things that are constantly going through my head about myself. I think that if I keep these things on my agenda daily it will spur me to try to improve them one by one. Stay on it so that they aren�t forgotten. These things are not usually discussed with someone unless I trust them and don�t mind being vulnerable. My Achilles heel so to speak. I don�t like looking weak. I don�t want it to sound like I�m asking for help, because I know what the problems are, I just need to figure out how to make it right. Yet I find myself searching and searching and not able to find an answer. I�ve talked about this stuff a little with Z but usually get frustrated, because I don�t want him to fix me. God how I wish I was already whole. I try so hard to have my shit together and most of the people that know me would hopefully say that I�m determined (ok yeah stubborn when I take it too far) and I�ve got my ducks in a row. I�m not saying I�m perfect, but I�m working on making myself as close to it as possible. I know it is within my power, but it�s something that needs to be revealed in bits and spurts. Like clues on a map that lead you through a treasure hunt for the answers you seek most out of life. Like what I happiness? This would be cooler than a magic 8 ball wouldn�t it? A treasure hunt would require you to work a bit. In the end it would help you appreciate the prize all the more. In my heart of heart I know that someone would cheat or corrupt the process. I a pessimist, what can I say?

I just started to read the Weight-loss Diaries by Courtney Rubin. I�ve just completed the Introduction and already identify with some of the things that she�s already written about. I don�t think I know how to be nice to myself. How to give myself a break. They say that you are your own worst critic. I know I am, but I feel that I need to have that drill sergeant in place to keep me on track. To keep me striving for my goals. I used to think my mother way, but lately even my mother tell me to take an easy on myself, to ask for help, to not do so much, make sure I get enough of something myself before trying to give it all away, don�t take on so much at one time. The negativity is getting to me more and more lately. Z is seeing it and has commented on it several times which just makes me more paranoid about it, because I know it is an issue and I�m trying to get it under control and trying to be more positive, but it is going to take time and maybe I�ll need to talk to someone to help me through the transition. I know that Z wants to help me and I will totally let him, but I don�t want to put this responsibility on his shoulders. I feel that this would only damage our wonderful relationship. Before I seek help or counseling I�m going to start reading self help books and try to be more conscious of my negative thoughts and try to stop pushing myself mercilessly to get things done right that second. I�ll try to listen to Z when he sees the warning signs and try with all my might to not get defensive and instead listen with an open mind and heart. This may take a while but I want to feel better about me. I want to not have Z worrying about me. I don�t want to worry about me. You know why? I don�t want to loose him or what we have together. It is worth the effort I will have to put forth to change my ways for the better. I just need to keep reminding myself of this when I start to dig in my heels and think dark thoughts such as this is impossible. I don�t know why I�m even trying because I�m just going to fuck it up. I figure it�s worth a try right? No. I KNOW it�s worth every second. Every frustration. This is my plea with my self. We deserve to be happy. We can be happy. We can do this.

(Engaged 9/16/05)