Yeah so I got on the scale first thing this morning to see where I was at since it had been a while. Actually I weighed in the evening we got back from Spider Gap and I weighed 152.8. That was after drinking a lot of water, eating dinner, and not going "number two" for 2 days. So why they heck am I 155 today. I feel like I'm all over the place! It's been a while since I've seen any weigh ins in the 140's and I miss them. I've got to get back there. I've really got to get a handle on things. I need to get myself in check. I feel like my control is unraveling. Slowly but surely.

I've got a boyfriend that loves me and is very attracted to me, but that doesn't give me the right to balloon up in weight. I'm happy for the first time in my life but please don't let me gain the weight back. Being happy doesn't mean that I have to gain weight. I've been careful. Not as careful as I should be obviously, but I've been eating healthy albeit a little be more in quantity and frequency. I've been working out, but I haven't been running as much. Darn ankles and knees. I NEED TO STOP THE WEIGHT FROM CREEPING UP!!! I'm very worried about it. I think about it all of the time lately. Well I guess I always worried about it, but it seems that my fears are coming to fruition of late.

Maybe I should return to the Weight Watchers meetings and be weighed once a week in front of the masses of other people that HAVE to be accountable to someone else. I feel fat. I feel bloated. My thighs feel bigger. My ass feels bigger. What happened to my pipe dream of getting down to 135? I was so close! 142 and dropping. I felt so slim. My hip bones protruded so far. My legs crossed without that little bit of resistance from the extra bulk of my thighs. I just can't seem to do an entire week of journaling, eating, and working out right. I do parts at different times, but I KNOW that doesn't work. That is NOT how I got the 56 lbs off the last time. I've even tried to count calories, but that seemed more discouraging for anyways. It must be because I was already used to the points system. It's very similar actually. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING.

So far I've documented all of my points even though I really didn't want to after I figured out how much the delicious cornbread salad Z made the other night was 11 POINTS PER CUP!!! I had 2!!! I was doing so well. I had my homemade frozen fruit, 1 T plain FF yogurt, and Splenda smoothie and 1 tsp of peanut butter for a protein packed snack. Then I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill despite the nagging pain I still have from backpacking approximately 22 miles last weekend. The inside of my right knee was also killing me on aforementioned backpacking trip, but subsided enough for me to continue to run the entire 3 miles.

After I got back to Z's place, I took a shower and then had some salad for lunch. Then I started to document my points and thought it would be cool to know what the point value on the salad was. I was guessing maybe 4 or 5, but that is when things took a turn for the worst. By the time I was done I was already at 26 points for the day!!! I had a half a bag of an individual bag of gold fish crackers and a power sized strawberry nirvana (the lighter smoothie) from Jamba Juice for dinner. That totals up to 34.5 points. I know I have flex points and that tomorrow I can eat less and workout to make up for it but I'm just frustrated. I know I need to eat less than 20 points as it is to loose weight, but it seems like I keep messing up!

I know Z said to concentrate on lowering my fat percentage, but I need to loose weight as well. I'm getting a little chubby in my opinion, though my clothes don't fit all that differently - yet and know one has said that I look like I'm gaining weight - yet. Matter of fact when I hung out with my mom last Thursday she exclaimed that I was so skinny and that I didn't need to loose anymore weight. Note I hadn't seen my mom for about 2 weeks and she missed me dearly, so maybe she was just happy to see me.

Plus I think I'm blessed with really large/high cheek bones that make my face look really lean, since the underside of my cheeks look really hollow in comparison. You can see the muscle in my cheek when I clench and unclench my jaw while eating or when I'm really angry. So that might be deceiving sometimes as far as gaining weigh is concerned. At least early on anyways�When I was heavier my face was really fat and round. That is why I never wanted to cut my long hair.

I was totally waiting for mom to mention that my face looked puffy followed by a quick pinch of the bit of fleshy stuff on my back below my bra to prove the point. This is what used to happen all of the time when I started putting on the pounds, but alas she didn't. The fleshy stuff is much smaller but it's still there and I think it will forever be there. I remember those puppies being there when I was like 7. It doesn't help that I'm wearing my 32B's when I know that my 36B's look and feel more natural/comfortable on me.

I'm very broad shouldered and have a thick torso - at least I think I do. Z said I have a small waist when we were up at Spider Gap as he was caressing the skin on my back. I of course quickly corrected him and said I'm actually very boxy, but was quick to throw in a thank you :). I've accepted the fact that I'll never have an hour-glass figure, but I can at least have a leaner torso with a flat tummy, right?

My only worry is that I start going to meetings again and paying $12 per weigh in/meeting (that�s what it was in the past anyways) and I do ok for a while, but then I loose interest. Then what? I guess I really don't have anything to loose but money and weight, right? I got burned out with the meeting in the past, but they were my salvation in the beginning. I think I need it now. Maybe I'll even meet a girl to help me fight the fat wars. Z is great i supporting me with healthy eating and working out, but he can eat a lot more than I and still loose weight and we work out at different gyms. Sometimes it's hard to not get frustrated when he keeps going down (roughly 70 lbs lost over the last 4 months!) while I struggle to keep mine going in the right direction, ya know? But I'm so proud of him at the same time, but I need to be proud of myself as well, ya dig? And I'm not! Because I know I can do this, but for some reason I'm not.

I really want to get this under control, because I would like to look wonderful in my wedding gown in the future - gasp! Did I just say that? I do. I want to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life. I want to be active with my husband and my family. I want to not worry about gaining weight back and having Z loose interest in me and then one day saying, "It just isn't the same anymore..." I've heard it before and don't think I could handle hearing it again. I don't want to gain weight. So I need to get this train back on the tracks.

I think I'm going to have to find a meeting nearby and start going once a week. I feel ashamed to have to go back after gaining back 10-15 lbs, but it's better to go back now than when I'm 50, 60, or 70 lbs heavier right? I want to feel in control of what goes into my mouth and my body again. I hope I can regain that feeling.

(Engaged 9/16/05)