That is what I feel like after this weekends climb up Spider Gap Glacier with Z. I have never been that far out of my element before in my life. I was utterly depleted of any energy, in a very foreboding place, and I didn't think that I could make it to our destination.

It started out as a nice leisurely hike through a beautiful dense forest with a lovely stream running along side of it, but then it opened into a fantastic meadow. I felt like I should have been dancing and singing "The hills are a live, with the sound of music..." tee hee. It was breathtaking. The weather was warm with a nice breeze coming down from the mountains that surrounded the valley. It was so picturesque.

Then the trail totally cranked it up a couple of notches. It was a lot of up hill climbing after that. Lots of rocks to watch your step on, little ledge you were trying to keep your balance on, but I was fine with it. I just kept trying to keep a steady momentum with little breaks to catch my breath. Once we reached the bottom of Spider Gap glacier I was feeling good. Still excited. Nervous butterflies dancing around in my tummy. Especially after seeing the crest of snow up hill in front of me. It was the glacier, but I guess it doesn't ever get enough snow to melt so the glacier stays buried under a layer of snow.

I felt fine. I was warm. I felt good about what we already climbed and was ready for more. Z and I were in good spirits and the weather was totally cooperating so we started up the hill. The sun was so bright reflecting off of the surface of the snow (duh), but the sunglasses made that more bearable. It was strange feeling the cool breeze that ran down the slope into our faces at the same time we felt the heat of the sun bouncing off the snow up at us. That along with climbing up the snow produced a good sweat though! So it wasn't like I ever really got cold, unless the sun hid behind some clouds for a few minutes. Then things got pretty nippley. I quickly found I was getting frustrated, because it felt like every step I took forward I ended up taking half a step back! My boots are meant for hiking, not really for griping snow, ya know wadda mean? I was also afraid of falling. I did ok, but not before Z saw how angry I was getting. I felt like I wasn't making enough progress up the hill and that I was holding us up. I really wanted to make good time and I most importantly wanted to do a good job. Z told me to just relax and that if I fell I would just fall into the snow and not get hurt. The slope wasn't that steep but I was still afraid of tumbling down, even though I would just kick my feet out to stop my fall. After that I just worked on trying to take deep breaths and what my foot placement. I just kept adjusting my foot position and how I was balancing my weight so that my feet wouldn't slide as much. Z made sure to have a take breaks along the way. I pretty much just tried to stay in the tracks that he kicked out for me. Especially when things got a little steeper when we were approaching the top. When we got to the top I was so glad we were done with that! I was getting tired and I was still spooked. Little did I know that I was only half way done! After the little flat area on the top, the other side was all down hill in the snow no less!! I almost cried, but I still had a bit of spunk left so I just wanted to get this part over with, because I already knew I didn't like walking in the snow with my slippery boots already. We started off and my legs immediately started to feel like lead weights. To tope things off my feet were slipping even more than they did before! But now my legs were too tired to stop me from falling on my butt. Several times. I became even more frustrated and it seemed like we weren't making any headway. It was getting later (only 1 or 2) but I started to feel desolate. Z wanted to make camp by 7 and I didn't know how we were going to make it down the loooonnnng snowy slope to the bottom where there were more rocks before the lovely little green oasis at the bottom? Oh joy, didn't I already say my feet were tired, my ankles were so sore and my right knee felt like it was going to snap? What the hell did I deserve to get this type of treatment? I started to get really sloppy and I kept falling and I just didn't think that I was going to make it. I knew that Z had to be feeling a bit tired, so I tried to stay quiet, but I wasn't doing a good job. I was so tired. Oh and did I mention how fricking cold it was on the other side of the glacier where the wind never stopped blowing by us? The sun was no were to be found and it just kept getting colder the lower we went? I was becoming more and more desolate. Z said tried to help me with my foot placement, but things were hurting so badly at this point that I couldn't. It just hurt tooo much. I wasn't any better on the rocky areas on the way down. I feel there too. Once I feel twice in a row in my backside. I started to hyperventilate and cry. God how I tried like hell to not cry but I couldn't help it. I felt like I was at my end of the rope. I was so cold (though I refused Z's gloves! Until we headed back). I was so tired. I had nothing else to give. I had failed! I sucked! I was weak! I was afraid. I was alone. Alone in a strange none welcoming place. I felt lost. These were all of the things that were going around in my head. Then I heard Z's voice saying give me you're pack. I quickly snapped into consciousness and said NO! He was tired and cold too, so there was no way I was going to add insult to injury and have him carry my load. I wasn't going to go out like that. My stubbornness was my salvation. I got up and said just give me a minute to collect myself and once I was done we continued one. I didn't say much. I felt like was walking in a fog. I literally just took one step at a time. My feet hurt, everything hurt actually. Cold, so cold, but Z was leading me and I could make it. I wasn't alone. I wasn't going to fail. By God, I wouldn't allow it. I thought of my grandmother watching over me giving me a little pat to keep moving forward watching over us to make sure no real harm came to us. The glacier that was slowly melting in to the upper Lyman Lake looks so harsh. The entire valley looked so ominous. Like it was telling us to turn back. No humans allowed. It was not welcoming with arms outstretched beckoning us further like the beautiful little meadow on the other side of the glacier. This place didn't want me there. Dark clouds. Cold wind. Rocks, ice, snow and cold water every where around me. I just tried to keep trudging along. Every once in a while I would look up to see Z's back and I could hear him talking. More like babbling. I wasn't responding, but he continued to talk. He would ask how I was doing and I would grunt a reply and he would continue on. He said his body goes into auto mode when he gets into situations like that so it leaves his mind to wander and babble about crazy stuff. Plus he was trying to lighten the mood. I also can't forget a how many times he said he was incredibly proud of me for pushing my envelope past what I thought I could. We made it to the meadow and I quickly dubbed it the Shire. It was so beautiful there. A little babbling brook near by and it indeed did babble and make little gurgling sounds. It was perfect, but I was so tired, hungry, and cold that I barely could take it all in let alone the fact that we made it.

We put up the tent, I got in and inside the sleeping bags which we zipped together. Z made dinner, we ate, cleaned up, hung the food, and then sat on a little mound and looked at the fog roll in down into the valley we were staying and look at the amazing scary looking glacier and the surrounding mountains. Z snuggled me in his arms and legs to get me some warmth and then me climbed into the tent. We quickly warmed up and feel asleep from exhaustion.

I woke up 2 hours later, because I heard noises or so I thought. Z was breathing heavy beside me which eased my fears, so it didn't take long for me to fall back asleep.

The next morning I felt sooo much better. I was sore. Don't get me wrong. We both took some ibuprofen first thing in the morning before we left the tent. We ate breakfast, packed up and then said good bye to our little Shire. Once we warmed out legs back up and started up the snowy slope I started to feel better, but not completely. I knew I wouldn't feel completely good or sure of myself until we got to the top of the glacier. We took it nice and easy but at a pretty good pace. Z knew that I was still uneasy so he kept the banter light, kept checking on me and kicked some great steps out of the snow for me to climb up. He's so wonderful. We both thought there was a little lull in the slope before we reached the top which we were quickly approaching, but imagine our surprise when the little lull we saw above us was actually the top! We were done WAY before we thought we would be. We were so stoked. I was thanking God. I was much easier on the way back. Z said it had a lot to do with the fact that I had go beyond my comfort zone the day before. Plus we got more sleep. I didn't even have time to be scared. Z had a great idea to slide down the other side to the base of the Spider Gap glacier on our butts. I watched him first and then joined in. We made it to the bottom in no time. What a great way to end the climb on the snowy glacier. I wasn't scared in the least. I actually had a blast!

At the base we decided to head out since we were making good time and didn't know what we would do if we ended up camping early. So off we went, back down the mountain through the pretty little meadow. The sun was out; I had conquered the unwelcoming ominous glacier and snow, so was feeling marvelous. Strong. Successful. Proud of myself. That doesn't happen very often, but that is definitely what I felt. Not cocky. Just proud of what I was able to accomplish. I went beyond my comfort zone and survived.

We walked at a pretty fast pace, because 1) Z wanted sushi once we got out, 2) were both were feeling really good, and 3) we both really had to go # 2 tee hee. We made really good time, but we weren't going to make sushi so we stopped off got gas and ate at a little eatery that turned out pretty good. Got to use the facilities (thank goodness), fill our tummies and then headed out. When we were done we at first thought we did 9 miles in from 3100 feet to 7100 feet in elevation, but then later we discovered it looked more like we did 11 in and 11 out. Holy Crap! We made it back to Redmond, showered, put some stuff away and were in bed by 11pm-ish. Not bad.

Poor Z's got a bit of a cold so he woke up a few times, but we both slept fairly well. Got up, went out to breakfast at the Brown Bag (yummy HUGE portions), took home leftovers and ate them later once I got to work. Looking back on everything I'm still so proud. I'm also very thankful to Z for being so patient and cheering me on every (literally) step of the way.

I love you so much. Thanks for leading the way.

I can't wait until the next trip we plan :).

I feel proud, in love, and serenely happy.

This is what I want to remember from the trip.

(Engaged 9/16/05)