Not much to report. Still congested. I thought the boogies were getting clearer, but this morning after I woke up and went to the gym they most decidedly were NOT clear, they were still a greenish yellowish color - yuck! TMI I know...

I only brought 2 tissues with me into the gym and ended up having to use them both during my weight lifting workout. It's like after doing a half and hour of the elliptical and a half an hour of lifting it caused the flood gates to open in my sinus cavities and they were trying to rid themselves of the gunk in short order. What the heck! I couldn't breathe by the end of my lifting so I decided to pass on the additional elliptical workout so that I could get into my car and blow my nose for goodness sake. I also stopped off at the store to buy some good eats and some basic things that it seems we've been forgetting to get.

I really wanted to get my oil changed in my car but that didn�t' happen.

I also wanted to get my car washed but that didn't happen either.

The hot tub cover still hasn't been picked up yet...sigh.

I still need to go to Home Depot to get some sheet rock to replace the attic door.

And I still need to pack up stuff from the x and ask J to come and get it for me.

The down side to staying with you�re wonderful boyfriend and being close to work is things at your house don't get done in a timely manner. It's stupid that these things float around in my head and bother me, but the type A personality wants to be able to check things off of her list and she can't. I'm not making things any easier either. I like staying with Z and I like being able to drive a short distance to and from work. I just don't like feeling like a failure when it comes to keeping my house running smoothly. The grass is probably brown from all the sunny days we've been getting and I need to water my plants. I still need to cut the backyard, though it would probably be just a few pieces of crab grass that can still manage to grown in the heat. It just proves the point that you can�t have you cake and eat it too.

I miss being able to come home from work, do a couple of things around the house, cook dinner and relax in front on the TV. The workout would have already been done that morning so I wouldn't have to fight the crowds after work and things would be routine. Very predictable, but isn�t that boring? I find myself feeling out of place sometimes. Out of sorts. Not knowing what my purpose is other than trying to loose weight, eat healthy, and spend as much time as I can with Z making him happier than he�s ever been in his life. My life has completely changed, yet I'm still trying to figure out what the new path is. I'm happy with it; I just don't know where it is taking me. Sometimes I'm ok with that and sometimes it bothers me... I feel like a feather floating on the surface of a river going where ever the current takes me. I love not having the stress that I had in my life before but I miss being in control at all times. Isn�t that what helped make me so sad? Having to be in control all the time was tearing me apart. It made me someone I hated. I never wanted to be that person, but one morning I woke up to find that I had become her. So why do I yearn for it? I guess old habits die hard.

I also miss being able to go out to nice dinners with Z. Just the two of us. Looking into each others eyes and talking about happy things. We talk every time we see each other and kiss and hug and grope *smirk* but it feels hurried sometimes. There never seems to be enough time in the day to everything I want. This shift isn't making things any easier either (3pm-11:30pm). The good news is that I won't be working it much longer. I always try to cram too many things into one day. More things to check off my list. More things to make me feel like I have a purpose. That I'm productive. That I�m a "good" person. Yup, I guess it comes down to good vs. bad. It's not just good foods and bad foods. Bad means being lazy, stupid, fat, not good enough. In the past I exhausted myself trying to make my life seem like every things was okay and still tried to meet all of my goals with out much help from anyone around me, because I never asked for help. I prefer to do it on my own. Z is very quick to point out that I now have him to help me, because now we are a team. I really appreciate this, but I still like try to fix issues on my own and not burden him with my troubles. Call me stubborn.

I guess I feel lost. I have new people in my life. I have a new love. I feel like a new person as well. I'm happy, but find myself comparing the �old� me to the �new� me. The new me is much happier. No doubt! But the old me seemed to be more in control of what was going on in her life. The new me seems to be happy not knowing really, but deep down in side she wonders on a daily basis. Wonders if people still respect her for seeing what she wants and going after it. Is she still admired for determination? Do I still have direction? Yes, sort of. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for a job, but in all honesty I'm really not DOING anything. I don't know what to do and it's extremely frustrating. My manager and co-workers are great, I just feel like any joe-smoe could be doing my job, ya know? I've worked hard to get to where I am, but yet it depresses me to think that I've done all of that work to end up in a job that doesn't really. It just requires a warm body. So sad. I still need to figure out a few things I guess. It will happen when its time. Or maybe I need to come to terms with my new life and stop comparing it with the old. I'm happy for once in my life; can't that be enough?

I guess that is the question I need to try to answer for myself.

Workout:

30 min elliptical

30 min lifting for chest

10 min of abs

(Engaged 9/16/05)