Today at the gym I found myself reflecting on how much I used to weigh. It's still hard for me to fathom the fact that I left myself get to 198lbs. Now I'm sure that I weighed more than that, because I pretty much starved my self and worked out for 5 days straight before I stepped through the doors of Weight Watchers about 4 years ago now. I remember the self loathing and the utter embarrassment when I step through those doors and onto the scale. I didn't even want anyone to come with me.

Every morning before I went to work or any event that required me to try to look at least half way decent would take me forever to find something to wear. It had to hid the fat rolls and be comfortable at the same time without looking like a tent. I hated the way clothes hung on me. I hated that I could never wear cute clothes for skinny girls. I hated looking at my body in the mirror. I hated being trapped in my body, but I didn't know how to set myself free.

I remember driving with my mom in my car one day and she was once again talking about my weight and how I could try to wear clothes that "flattered" my big body instead of wearing oversized sheets that just made me look bigger/fatter. This is when I finally broke down. I told her I didn't care what I looked like, because I HATED - no I was DISCUSTED with my body. Who cares what it looked like, because I didn't like it and didn't want to draw any attention to it. My mom tried to comfort me, but I was beyond that. I didn't try to argue. I was just stating the facts. I was fat and I would always be fat, so she might as well get used to it. She apologized for not being able to give me more of her genes (she can eat like a truck driver and barely gain any weight) and that she tried to do her best with feeding me healthy foods and not buying fattening foods, but that wasn't good enough to over come genetics. I said that I wished all those things too, but the truth of the matter was that you can't CHOOSE those types of things. It was then that she mentioned that some of her co-workers were loosing lots of weight on Weight Watchers and that maybe I wanted to give it a try. I was at first very angry and then sad that I had some how crossed over that thin line between chubby to obese. In the end I thought it was a good idea since I hadn't tried anything like it before, but deep down inside I was sure that I would fail this diet as well. I just knew it in my bones. I was some how different and this wouldn't work for me either. Just wait I thought.

Well I'm glad to say that I lost 5 lbs that first week and stuck with it ever since. I did plateau at about 170-175 for an entire year (after the honeymoon period), because I wasn't following the plan to a T anymore. I had gotten complacent. I finally got so depressed that I contemplated getting the laparoscopic band procedure (a type of weight loss surgery). I remember planning it all out. I only told my ex boyfriend, because I didn't want my mom or friends to know until I got back. I was going to use my credit card to pay for the plane trip to Mexico where they would pick me up at the air port, drive me to my hotel (connected to the hospital) and take me to my appointment the next morning. I was dead set on it, I could taste it. I did so much research on the doctors, the locations, the hospitals, and even contacted a few patients of the doctors who lived near me to get their personal recounts of their ordeals. I was ready, but then I started reading about the complications and how doctors in the states didn't want to touch the patients, because of the potential law suits that could arise. I read a few botched surgery stories and how you can't sure the doctors in Mexico and how when the patients came back to the states they had to pay the corrective surgeries out of pocket and it started to dawn on me that this might not be such a great idea. Things would be just peachy if everything went right, but if they didn't I was pretty much on my own. I started to think of how worried my mom would be and my ex and I didn't think it was fair of me to go through with it. Then and there I decided to kick it up a few notches to get the last 20-25 lbs off if not more.

I lost an additional 33 lbs, for a total of 56 lbs lost, but towards the end I wasn't exactly eating or sleeping during the break up of my 8 year relationship (go figure) so that last 10 lbs or so just literally dropped off, but not in a healthy way. Those same 10 lbs came back pretty quickly after I recovered and started to sleep, exercise, and eat normally again, but I've been able to maintain my weight pretty well. Now it's time to get back into the routine of things. I don't want to just drop the weight and have the scale bounce back up the next few days, so I'm going to try to make small changes one day at a time. At the same time I'm going to increase my cardio by doing more interval and hills on the elliptical along with a 6 mile run once a week at the gym so I can get ready for some hiking trips with Z and his friends. The first overnight hiking trip is tentatively set for 5/28, so I've already started putting my plan into action. Z says that I'm healthy and already work out a lot, so I should be fine, but I want to make sure that I am fit enough to carry my own pack AND enjoy the pretty views at the same time. I DON'T want to be staring at my feet, laboring to catch my breath the entire time and wanting to die the entire time, though I doubt that would be the case. I can't wait! I've never done an overnight hike before so I'm totally jazzed about it. Hopefully this will keep me inspired.

Wish me luck.

(Engaged 9/16/05)