I woke up shortly after 9am with Z. I got up started land laundry. I tidied up the kitchen by washing a few and placing the others in the dish washer. I drove to the gym and road the elliptical for 80 minutes. Drove back to Z's place, showered ate lunch, folded laundry, got ready for work and now here I sit. Not much scheduled for today until later on tonight things could get hairy, but B will be in by then if all hell breaks loose. Hopefully it doesn't though...

Z and I have been talking about how I react to my mother and how I really don't like it, but I feel some how possessed when she comes into a room. She can push buttons so fast that I automatically switch into defensive/angry mode once she comes near me. I really hate it! I love my mom with all of my heart and want to be able to deal with her as a well behaved adult but not have to cave to her every wish or desire. I'm really going to try to work on it. I really feel out of control when it comes to situations like this weekend with my mom around. After we got the ugly stuff out she was just happen to spend time with me and me with her. I think a bit of it is because I don't spend as much time with her, so I'll try to call more often so she doesn't end up calling me to take care of household stuff or bills, because I'm more than capable of handling things like that on my own. She just wants to feel loved, needed, and most importantly involved with my life. That is fine I just don't want her harassing me about stuff and how they should be done a certain way. Sigh I love her and want our relationship to be better so I will put much effort into staying in tuned with how I am reacting when she is around and I will try to watch my tone of voice and what I way to her. Oh and lets not forget my facial expressions. I look forward to the day that I don't feel like a petulant child when my mom starts to lecture me on things that I already know about or worse things that I'm already taking care of... Love that woman, but she drives me crazy at the same time.

Feel a bit tired. My eyes hurt, but most likely my allergies. I'm going to try to get another workout in this evening when things are really quiet. Nothing schedule to happen until the end of my shift so I should be okay. The last bird hole will be taken care of tomorrow, so tonight no worries. I need caffeine!

(Engaged 9/16/05)