I�m at work now, but I sure as heck don't want to be here. This is my Monday. Of course today would be a nicer day outside than yesterday when I was busting my butt doing yard work and the guys (Z & J) were busy trying to get the hot tub ready. It was bitter cold and there they were playing with cold water, in shorts and no socks. Sometimes in side of it barefooted trying to clean and polish the inside!!! I made sure to take care of them later that night with warm fuzzy blankets and heating pads. They almost got it running, but then it started to short out, so they are going to call in a pro to take a look at the wiring on the box to make sure it is ok. I can't wait for it to be running. I think it would be a lot of fun to get some tiki lamps, decorative white lights, build the privacy wall along the outside of the hot tub (where the lights can hang), get the BBQ going, pass drinks/food from the kitchen window and smiling into my wonderful mans face would be the absolute greatest!!! I love that man.

I've been a bit stressed these last couple of days from my parents, my house being painted next week, feeling inept not being able to help with the hot tub and the fact that my household stuff kind of went by the way side when I was away all last week and most of this week as well. Plus a lot of money is coming out of this pay check, but unfortunately this is the paycheck that must go to mortgage, thus adding to the stress level. Z has offered to help, but it is still incredibly hard for me to ask for it and accept it. I feel bad because I should be able to do this on my own or I should have planned better to where I didn't find myself in this situation. I should be more responsible. I know that Z is not going to look down on me, but I get so irritated with myself when I find myself backed into a corner, because of my own doing. Oh well it will pass soon enough. I've got to stop being such a control freak and a worry wart like my mother. I still worry about the birds coming back as well. It's a waste of time, but I do it all the same. The first time I heard birds trying to tap on the reinforced mesh Z put on the vents in the attic was at 5:47am. Now we went to sleep around 1:40am, so I should have been tired but I was also stressed about the painter guy coming by at 8am that morning so I wanted to make sure I didn't over sleep. They guy ended up coming at 7:30am so I'm glad I planed to get up a bit earlier, but he still rang the f-ing doorbell. What the hell? Doesn't he know how to knock? I was trying to let the guys sleep for goodness sake! Anyways I'll be glad then the house is painted. One less thing my mother can stress about, but I'm sure she'll find something else. That's mom for ya :).

I try so hard not to get frustrated with her, but it�s like I'm compelled some how. She says something and I react by wanting to be stubborn and do it myself. I just don't want her to feel obligated to help all of the time, but alas you can not teach old dogs new tricks. At least not my mother. I guess I'll just have to keep working on it. I really do love her and need to understand she does it because she cares so much. I know this but I need to remember it when she is being the most irritating ya know? :)

I hope time passes quickly. I'm feeling kind of tired from not really sleeping that well last night. If things are slow maybe I'll be able to go to the gym. Probably not though. We'll see.

Z just told me the f-ing birds made another hole. F!!!!! I hate birds!! I don't want them in my house. I don't want them shitting in my house!!! I so feel the need to get the heck out of here and go back to the house and not leave until every f-ing hole is plugged!!!!! F!!!! WTF?

(Engaged 9/16/05)