I am officially relinquishing the power of the alarm to Z. I am not worthy. I can not be trusted. When the alarm goes off I don�t just hit the snooze button once or twice. How about 5 times in a row? I�ve been known to do that with my own alarm as well. Z has first hand experience with it. I move like the speed of light, hit the snooze button without barely making a sound and then slither back into the cozy covers and snuggle up to Z without him noticing that I�ve done it tee hee! Of course until it�s like time to get up to go to work and we�re still in bed. He is now going to take control and boot my snoozing buttocks out of bed so that WE can make it to the gym in the morning already. I never was this bad before. Matter of fact I barely ever used the snooze button. The alarm would go off and I would get up to get ready to go to the gym. Not only that. If I did happen to hit the snooze button and get back into bed, my body temperature would start to rise immediately which would force me to get out of the covers which would wake me up instantly. I guess I�m just very comfortable for the first time in a long time with my life and my body.

I remember having such self loathing and hate for my body. I still have my bad days, or should I say my �fat days� but they are now few and far between. I would berate myself everyday for any reason. I hated being in my own skin, let alone worrying about someone else thinking that I was fat. I�m still about 6 lbs from my average weight as of 5/8/04 and about 9 lbs from my all time lowest weight, but, but I�ve been working out more regularly now so more weight should start to trickle off. I know that I can�t loose 4 lbs in a week like Z, but I can at least try to loose .5 to 1 lbs a week, if I stay on track. But to be honest, I�m also going to enjoy life as well. If I want to have a cookie, I may actually have a cookie. If I want a beer, I�m going to have a real beer. I so don�t like light beer, though I will drink it in a pinch. I won�t go over board and I still try to fill up on veggies and protein as well as trying to include enough calcium since the latest studies have shown that more people loose more weight if they get their dairy in for the day. I don�t like drinking milk, but I do like yogurt, cottage cheese, and some cheese, so that shouldn�t be too hard.

The weather looking wonderful, so my walk during lunch and my run after work should be wonderful. I�ve been dealing with this wheezing thingy that doesn�t seem to want to go away, but it�s not a cold. Maybe allergies? Either way I�m not going to let it get in the way of a nice run in the sun. Then tonight Z and I are going south to have dinner with the parents and stay at my house. I�m looking forward to it. I used to dread having the x and myself eat dinner with my parents, because things were so different. So tense. So uncomfortable. So many things left unsaid. It really sucked. It was much easier to go by myself and bring stuff home for the x to eat then deal with being the main vehicle of conversation for the evening. I�m really glad that I feel so comfortable with Z and my family hanging out together. I find myself saying to myself, so this is what it is supposed to feel like� I like it and I�m looking forward to many more.

More foot rubs galore last night and a back rub to boot! I feel so loved and pampered. Who would of thought that I would be uttering those words huh? It�s not that I expect it though, I appreciate every ounce of effort he puts forth in showing me how much he loves me. Alright, enough already right? I�m turning into a big softy right? I can�t help it I feel all soft and fuzzy and very, very loved. Enough of that for today. I�ll spare you until tomorrow.

(Engaged 9/16/05)