LOVE:

Z said some of the most eloquently put heart felt words to me this morning in response to an email I sent him stating something to the affect that I was glad that the novelty of me entering his life has not worn off yet and that I hope it never does. His response was,

�It�s not novelty. It�s a deep lasting type of love. The kind that is seeded in the simplest, and yet most essential pieces of living. The way you make me feel when you say nice things about me. The way I feel when you look at me and smile is something entirely new to my life, yet totally understood. I know what it means. It�s something I hoped I would find, but was never certain I would. I love you. I love you in a way that I can�t explain, but I know what it is."

I love this man. I love him with all of my being. I would run away with him if he asked me to. I thank my lucky stars that I was given the opportunity to know him as I do now and that he chose me to love. I feel safe, loved, protected, wanted, cherished, engulfed, and cared for by him. I also feel passion, lust, desire, heat, intense protectiveness, and infinitesimal love for this man. And from this man as well. He had the key to release me from the demons and fears that used to lurk in my heart and prevented me from letting anyone into love me. I feel completely open to this man. Not vulnerable. Open. Wanting to be loved. Touched. Desired. �Like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire�� He completes me.

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CLOSURE:

On the other hand, a light bulb went off in my head when I was reading diet chick this morning, because what she verbalized was EXACTLY how I used to feel about love and letting anyone in. I almost felt incapable of love at times. Like an ice maiden. Too responsible. Too independent. Not feminine enough. Not skinny enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. All these things I felt limited my chances at love. That is why I stayed in my 8 year relationship for sooo long. I was terrified to leave the comfort of what I already knew. He loved me the best that he could. It just wasn�t the kind of love that I truly NEEDED. I cared for him very much as well, but I don�t think it was the type of love he needed either. I hope one day he will realize that. I wish him the best of luck in life and that he finds someone to complete him as well.

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WEIGHT/EATING:

Eating is doing pretty well, but I have not been journaling my points. I will try to get back into that ASAP. I�ve been eating pretty clean and keeping a mental tally of what I�ve been putting into this trap, so overall I think I�ve been alright, but there is room for improvement.

I�ve still been to lazy/tired to get up in the morning to go to the gym, BUT I have been working up a good sweat in the evening doing an hour of cardio. I really want to start going in the morning. Z hasn�t been able to go in the morning for the last couple of days, because I�ve been lazy. I WILL get my stuff together! It would help if we were going to bed at 1am though tee hee ;). And if I got my clothes and shower stuff together at night so all I have to do is get dressed for the gym, grab my stuff and go.

It will happen.

Already 11:30am.

Almost time for lunch.

Time is passing pretty fast.

That is promising.

(Engaged 9/16/05)