(reposting from earlier, because I some how lost the new entry for today...)

Today is much better.

Started my new work schedule 9-5:30. So far so good.

Z and I went to the gym last night. I got to the gym at around 9:50pm. By the time we got home showered, cooked, and then ate dinner it was around midnight. Even after all of that I still got roughly 8 hours of sleep. Yay!!! We were planning on going to the gym, but decided it was better to start my first day on my new schedule on the right foot.

Yesterday evening I did an hour on the elliptical. My ankle was killing me but I just powered through it, but I made sure to really try to stretch them and my calves out really well afterwards while waiting for Z to come get me. My shoulders are really tight this morning, but then again they always are. I tend to bunch/tense those muscles very often. I even try to relax them while working out, but it doesn�t seem to help much. Except for when my sweetie gives me awesome back rubs. He is the greatest. I have never had someone offer to give me so many massages in my life! I�m very lucky.

Last night a river of emotion ran over me that I could barely control. Ever since I was a little girl I always worried about being alone. That is when I do my binging. When I feel lonely and no one is there to watch me that is when I find myself in the kitchen grabbing handfuls of stuff that I�m not hungry for, but I shove it in the never ending abyss anyways. I�ve gotten better. I just try to stay really busy.

Z held me as I cried racking sobs that wouldn't permit me to talk for a few moments. I had a bad dream the other night about my mother and I being shot. I was totally enraged and terrified at the same time, because I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wouldn't know what to do with out my mother. I would be completely alone. My mother is all that I have in this world. My only family. It made me feel so very terribly alone. Insignificant. Unprotected. This feeling stayed with me after the dream, though there was no reason for it to have come about. Not logically anyways. But then again who said emotions are logical, right? ;) Things are going well in our lives, so there shouldn't of been anything there that should have triggered it. He comforted me by telling me that I was no longer alone and that he cares for me and doesn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. That of course made me smile and feel tons better. He is so sweet. I told him he didn't need to say things like that just to make me happy, but he said that he doesn't say anything that isn't true. I SO love that man. He is like a breath of fresh air. Warm sunlight on my face. I'm am a very lucky girl.

(Engaged 9/16/05)