Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

That is how I feel. A fallen angel who has fallen from grace. The grace of whom? Society, family, friends, my boy friend, everyone. I have some how fallen from favor because I was not able to keep the weight off. I am a failure. I hate wearing my failure like a suit, but that is what gaining weight feels like. You can't hide it. It's not like it needs to be spoken or written. One just needs to exist to show the world how they failed once again by not being able to keep the pounds off. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and not getting some where. Or I do get some where but I end up sliding back some how no matter how hard I don't want to. I feel that people see me differently. Treat me differently. I feel that my existence has changed since I've gained 15 lbs. I feel that even Z treats me differently. I feel that I'm not taken as seriously or too seriously. Yeah you know like the angry fat chick. Always so serious because I wouldn't want people to think I'm the stupid fat chick. That is some how worse than the latter. I feel invisible sometimes. I remember distinctly feeling vulnerable after loosing weight because people could "see" me and they wanted to see me, watch me, look at me. I always felt like people were watching me but not really hearing me. I'm a private person so this sometimes made me feel violated some how. Like why won't they just leave me alone... I don't have that problem as much with the added weight. Kind of a blessing but this feeling of depression, shame, embarrassment, being invisible, always serious really is wearing on my being. I feel like I've come so far in my professional life but I'm still some how a failure. Z and I talked last night about my behavior as of late and I misunderstood him and thought he was tired of talking about it. At first I felt really, really alone. I know that my mom sees the added weight and hopes that I don't some how wreck things with Z. I know that I see it. I know that Z sees it, so it's obvious to friends and other family as well, but all I can say is I'm working on it but it's not easy. Z pointed out how successful I was on JC and how happy I was to not have to worry about what to eat and when, but I also pointed out how hard it was to eat that when we were constantly on the go, in between condo and house and always on the run. I will need to pack all of my stuff for the day and my clothes. I will need to be aware of what I need to eat when and make sure that I have it with me. I need to try to resist the temptation of what Z might be eating. Or if he wants to go out I need to be strong and either not eat or say no to his request or stay home. If we cook at home I need to resist that as well which is just plain HARD!!! I read JuJu's post about making one first in their lives and how obese people tend to think of everyone first and I feel that I've slipped into that mode again. Oh I couldn't possibly say no to going out even though I feel very weak and not capable of making a good decision. I couldn't possibly not worry about how Z gets his dinner when I already know what I'm going to eat. I worry and think way too much about things. I'm a planner too, but mostly a worry wart. Z said I need to tell him what I need and he will help me by being supportive but that is hard too. I need to get back into "me" mode and I plan on starting today. I didn't realize I started putting everyone before myself again until I read that post. I need to make myself a priority or I'll never get this weight off. Things will always be more important because lets be frank - losing weight is inconvenient, difficult, requires thought, planning, and saying "no" to things. All of these things are not easy and require time and forethought while eating what you want and drinking when and where ever you want don't. Going auto pilot is easy but it sure doesn't help one lose weight now does it? I rejoined JC today and am picking my food up after work. I'm going to work on putting myself first even though at this points it seems very selfish and un carrying but I need to care for myself because if I don't - who will? I need to make this happen. I need to lose weight and am the only one who can accomplish this goal. I signed up for the $20 to lose 20 lbs and I can do this. I have set a goal to lose 23 lbs by the end of July. Well at least 20 lbs by then. We'll see how close I get, but either way if I lose anything it will be a step toward my goal of reaching a healthy weight of 140 lbs. This is going to be hard and I'm going to be stressed and have to talk about how I am feeling about things and what I need but I will find a way to do this. My weight loss depends on it.
Here we go again...





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