Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

I need to get out of here. I want to go some where quiet. The sheer decibels that the guys talk at hurts my ears. I just want a quite place where I can lay my stuff and not have to move my shit around all of the time. I feel like I'm constantly on the move. Got to keep track of my shit. Gotta do this. Gotta do that. I'm really frustrated. I just feel like I've got all this shit to do and I want to do other stuff and it NEVER STOPS. I'm trying to fit my time in, in the morning, get things done for Z and me and work and then there just isn't enough time. I constantly feel like I'm being beaten by the waves on the sore. There are times when things are great but I never feel like I'm at home. What is home. I'm blessed to have two. Some people don't have any but I just need some peace and quiet, but I am not getting it here. Can they listen to the TV any louder. How do the neighbors stand it. I would have to live next to these guys. I love them but I still wouldn't want to. This and the fact that the parking always sucks is a major reason why I don't ever want to live in apartment again. Or a condo. I can't stand people living so close to me. I guess that means that I have to keep driving 70 miles a day unless I deal and stay with Z at his place. I love being with my baby but things just start to wear on me. I'm just so frustrated. I'm almost 30 years old for Gods sake and I'm running around like I'm still in college. I want to be settled. I want to have a place to really call "home". I'm tired and feel old. Very old. Why does this bother me so much? Why can't I just go with the flow. Sometimes I'm fine but then it all hits me like a ton of bricks that though my career is progressing and I've got a nice care, a wonderful boyfriend, loving family and still a few very close friends, I'm still not settled down. Nope. I'm still running around. I guess I'm never satisfied. I never have enough. I want more and more. I want everything and a hand basket. I want to be skinny. I want to eat what I want. I want to sleep in. I want to be strong. I want to be feminine. I want to be a tom boy. I want to spend time with my mom. I want to spend time with Z. All of my time. I want to see my friends. I want to make lots of money. I want to travel the world. I want, I want, I want, I want. I guess it's the only child things coming out huh? I just feel very black right now. I feel like running away far into the night. I just want to escape everything. Good and bad. Why? I don't know. I don't want to be responsible I guess. I'm sure this will pass. I just want to feel shitty right now and dwell in it.
In other news I've worked out twice yesterday and today. I did weights and running for 2 miles both days and did an hour of elliptical each day. I'm feeling good and want to do 2 hours of working out 5 days a week. This Friday might be hard since we're heading out of town to see Z's bro and his wife, but I can still fit in a workout in the morning. NO! I will do my workout. It is for me and I want it THAT BAD! I'm tired of feeling bad in my skin again. I want to feel strong and confident. I sat on Z's lap naked the other day and felt like a fat blob that was going to break his lap. That is not sexy. That is not confident. That is not how I want to feel. He picked me up in his arms crossing the threshold type style and I totally didn't want him to do it because I felt "fat". This is why I go to the gym twice a day so far and plan on doing this until I see results or drop from exhaustion. I just want....God it's just sooo loud. I would kill for some quiet. I would just sit there and take it all in. Maybe being a child is whey I cherish it. I love having people in my life. So many wonderful people but at the same time I miss the quiet times. I'm just feel so shitty and I STILL have shit to do! FUCK!!!



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