Day 49:
135.8 again :). Crazy. Got to sleep in again and it felt like heaven.

3/18 workout:
AM - 90 minutes elliptical w/arms
PM - 60 minutes elliptical w/arms

3/19:
AM - 90 minutes elliptical w/arms
AM - 30 minutes elliptical w/out arms

PM - 90 minutes elliptical w/arms

I started my taxes and Z and I got to have dinner over at moms. I worked my calories to allow for some Japche for dinner. It's potato noodles stir fried with veggies and some meat, but it's primarily carbs. I didn't expect fresh made egg rolls as well! But I was good. I had only eaten 662 cals by the time I got there. Getting up late and working out for 2 hours in the morning helps that! So I had some Japche and an egg roll. I measured out a cup of Japche and researched the calories of the small pan fried egg roll when I got home. Roughly the Japche was around 178 for 1 cup and the egg roll was 170 or so. I totally had enough calories for that plus I still have enough for another meal. Thank goodness because I was starving 2 hours later on the way home. Between having to fight off my mom calling me too skinny and telling me to not lose any more weight to my step father telling me my wedding dress won't fit to having to figure out my taxes I was pretty cranky by the end of the evening. Z helped me navigate it though. When my mother said I looked like "skeletor" with a worried look on her face and the pinching of my cheeks I almost lost it! ;) And it was clear in my tone I am NOT done and I will NOT stop and I do NOT look like skeletor. She asked Z and he said I look fine, I eat well, and I workout a lot, but I'm healthy and look great with a big smile! My mom is just used to me being fat! That is pretty much what I said too. I sat back and watched my family eat. No wonder I was fat! Or should I say BIG! Thank god I like sports! My mom had 4 egg rolls and 1/2 cup of Japche. She had about 2.5 cups of Japche that afternoon too. She is a little woman but can put the food away. But what she doesn't understand is that her daughter can NOT! I gain weight just watching her. She was watching me eat my 1 cup of noodles and my 1 egg roll. I totally enjoyed every bite though I could have eaten more for sure I didn't need too. I was full at the moment. I had 4 glasses of green tea and I was good. It's just almost impulsive for me to want to eat mindlessly while I'm there. There are always cookies and crackers and stuff there now that I'm an adult. Thank goodness I learned self control! In times of stress or boredom I would always find my way to the kitchen when no one was looking and eat food. Graze all day. That is what my step father does. He ends up not eating big meals but he eats all day. Unfortunately the stuff he eats are candy, crackers, and cookies ;). Oh well I've grown up and can see that, that behavior is destructive and numbing. I feel so alive now. I feel things. I don't just eat them to death. I used to feed my emotions. Especially anger and frustration. Now I work out ;) and I try to talk about it when I'm ready. Z helps me. I love him so much. He is the first person that helped me believe that I could achieve this weight loss goal of mine. Everyone else just assumed that since I was always big I should just stay that way. Z actually made me question that thinking and helped me focus on setting a goal and planning how I was going to get there. I was successful at doing that in all facets of my life BUT losing weight. So far he has helped me gain control of it or maybe just be able to plan and better attack against the battle of the bulge. It's going to be a life time thing. No one stop shopping here. The good thing is that if I have a plan and can focus I can accomplish whatever I want to do. I've always known this but I didn't know how to apply it in regards to my weight loss. Look at Oprah. She is still struggling with it. It's a very complicated thing, but I'm giving it my best shot. So far so good!

Time is just flying! In two weeks it will be time for my Bridal Shower and A's Bachelor Shower? ;p The guys have plans to get together hang out and go on a chartered fishing trip. Pretty cool huh? Things just kinda develop on the fly with these guys. I love it.

Well I just wanted to post a few thoughts while the sheets were finishing drying. Almost time for beddie bye. Then I'll be up early for the next workout and the official weigh in.

(Engaged 9/16/05)