Day 14:
149.8 lbs wow wasn't expecting that.

I've been so tired. I can't seem to snap out of it. I passed out on the bed waiting for the sheets to dry while the guys were watching movies downstairs. I just couldn't do it. Plus I totally feel like a 5th wheel sometimes. That plus being terribly tired, I just stayed up stairs by my self. Plus mom was seriously guilt tripping me because I wasn't spending time with her, but ti be honet I haven't HAD ANYTIME TO DO IT! I feel like I can never catch up. I'm never good enough. I'm always late. I'm always running to beat something I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm up tight and I don't have fun. Do I even know how to have fun anymore. Z's been worried about me but I don't know what to say. I just feel like I've always got something to do and it always needs to be done but I may not always be happy about it. I try to work these crazy feelings out while I work out but I still don't have answers yet.

I have ever reason to be happy, but I always find something to stop my happiness.

I almost let the "present" downstairs get me totally pissed, but I'm still too tired so I just cleaned it up. This morning I walked into the downstairs bathroom to find a bunch of stained towels in the sink. Hmmmmm one of the guys must of spilled something, but they surely cleaned it up so I'm not going to ask. I was in a hurry to get my workout in before I lost the gumption. They guys were on the way out to grab some breakfast before the game, so it's not like I had time to walk around to find the spill or anything. When I finally got home after going to the gym, washing my car, showering, getting ready, went to the parents house to deal with a cranky mother, ate dinner with them, but left early as my mother wasn't warming up a whole bunch, and then walked in the door I saw the "spill". It was a pretty impressive size. The cup was still left on it's side next to it, so it was pretty impossible to miss it. So yeah, I was wrong when I assumed the guys cleaned it up. The must of got some of it up with the towels they used. Or maybe that was what they used to clean up the table. There was an ugly brown stain on the tan carpet. I stood there with jaw agape wondering how could someone just leave that like that. I mean were all adults right? We weren't drinking? So why be rude and leave a mess for someone else to clean up? Or at least tell me about it so that I could of tried to clean it up earlier before the stain set in? Z told me not to clean a thing while he was gone, but that stain totally irked me to no end. How the hell could I NOT CLEAN? It was staring me in the face. Taunting me. Yeah I started to clean. I poured hot soapy water on the entire stain and grabbed a ton of towels. It actually cleaned up nicely, but what if it didn't? I just couldn't get over how rude it was? I would NEVER DO THAT!! I couldn't. I'd rather poke my own eye balls out. I was fumming for a while. It was good none of them were home. Once I was done cleaning I felt better, so I wasn't as angry, but I WILL bring this up later. How the hell is that not supposed to irk someone. God I'm not even going to start thinking about it again...

AF - 60 minutes elliptical w/arms
AF - 30 minutes running
AF - 15 elliptical w/arms

I had 2 protein cookies, 2 tps of reduce fat peanut butter, and a ton of water, but no real meals until I had dinner with my parents. I had eaten so much yesterday that I was trying to eat light today. I had a bite of SF FF vanilla pudding, SF jello, and a few hard candies and that is it. I'm still totally tired so I figure it is going to be an early night. Why am I so tired? I need to get over this already.

(Engaged 9/16/05)