Yesterday was utterly frustrating. I just wanted to give up. I couldn't see how a couple more months of trying to schedule normal everyday life things, work, visiting with the boyfriend, eating my meals, working out, and my long commutes to and from work were all going to work out. I was exhausted - too little food eaten with too much time in between, gave blood, worked out that morning, woke up early and went to bed late, missing my boyfriend, and finding it impossible once again to spend time with Z other than hanging around R3I while he helped a friend get some ski�s while I was totally about to eat a bench or pass out from hunger/exhaustion.
I didn't want to seem like a mean girlfriend but I just wanted to go home. The two of us were not going to be able to spend time with each other once again and I was starving. To sum it up I was very angry with the situation and my anger was growing by the minute. I just wanted to go and be by myself.
We are both busy people. I like to get up early to get a head start on my day. Well I actually HAVE to get up early to get everything scheduled in. I get my workouts done in the morning because then the gym isn't as busy, I only have to shower once and it gets my healthy life style off on the right foot first thing in the morning. I have to get up early because the previous all needs to take place before I need to be on the road to fight traffic for an hour and a half to work (when I'm by myself). Amongst all of the other requirements I have to pack my food supply the night before to ensure that I have everything I need including my water bottle so that I can eat and have energy throughout the day. Now if I hang out with Z after work since I'm already over in his neck of the woods I need to pack my dinner as well. This all takes a LOT of planning!!! My day is highly organized or everything gets thrown out of whack. That last two nights have not been good as far as trying to get home at a decent time to eat dinner and my late night snack. I've been eating dinner & snack together at 9:30pm right before I crash. That means I go 8 hours between lunch and dinner. Pretty crappy huh? My blood sugar starts to drop, I get cold, sleepy, and cranky. Go figure?
Why go through the trouble? Why not just bag the exercise, eat whatever I want, whenever I want, stay up late & wake up late and stay with Z whenever we want? Right? Sounds easier doesn't it? No not really. I'm doing this because I'M WORTH IT. I deserve to lose weight and look/feel fit. I deserve to workout in the morning if that is what I want and I'm willing to sacrifice my sleep to do it. I deserve to eat healthy food, if that is what I so choose to do, when and where I want. I deserve it. It's important to me so I'm going through the adjustments to do it. This unfortunately means cutting into my time with Z, but I've got to do this. He has his own life to lead as well that will most certainly cut into "our" time as well. Skiing seems to be one of those things, but I'm not going to sweat it. He has the money and the will to pursue the dream/desire to be a better skier. I do not. But that doesn't mean that I can not be supportive. Supportive does not mean that I need to participate. I will go with him on occasion to practice snowboarding, but I have a monetary limit as to how often I can go. So is life . No one ever said that life is fair. This last week has been filled with harsh realization that things will probably continue to get more complicated and Z and I will most likely spend more and more time apart and I'm trying not to let this bother me but it does. He feels we'll be alright. I'm more questionable, but I'm willing to see it out and try to be as flexible as I can be. Unfortunately we both know that I don't do all that well with change. I need time to adjust to each transition but the changes are hitting me pretty hard this week so I'm pretty frustrated right now. Things will get better, but for now I'm just ready to punch some one. Hope no one pisses me off snicker.
I'm toying with the idea of skipping my JC meal on Friday so that I can eat dinner with Z and his family for his birthday. They are coming into town and are going to stay with us at my house tomorrow. We're supposed to be going to the Met so I really don't want to miss the opportunity ya know? The first time I went was on my b-day with Z. It was delish. I'll just have to make good food choices and maybe fill up with salad and veggies before we go since it will be late in the day. I don't dare go when I'm really hungary because I could do some serious damage! I don't know yet. I'll play it by ear. Double and triple Americano's with a bit of half n half are my addition right now. Caffeine is my crack. Whatever gets me through the days. This too shall pass. Right?

Thursday
precor 60 min

Friday
TBD

(Engaged 9/16/05)