Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

Well packed up the majority of my stuff last night and moved back into my home. I've been wanting to make a change that involved spending more time at my house but at the same time I knew that, that meant possibly spending less time with my Z and of course a longer suckier commute. Z and I talked about how things were currently and how his roommate might feel but never really dealt with it until Z talked with J last night and he said he felt like he had a 3rd roommate and that he didn't feel he could comfortable running around in his underwear on his day off because he didn't know when I would be around. Totally understandable and I'm embarrassed that I didn't take action sooner. It was still hard to hear and digest last night. I've been living there for what seems the last 9-10 months. It's kind of like being kicked out of my home but I have my own home so the feelings are kind of mixed. Z said he would stay more often with me but I'm feel kind of unsure as I know he hates the commute and is not really a morning person so he doesn't like getting up any earlier than he needs to. This is going to be an adjustment, but I'm sure that I and we will be okay. If it is meant to be then it will be. I can't do anything more. I'm offering my love, my home and my patience. That is pretty much all I have to give. If the distance it too much then I can't do anything to help that right now. I wish my house were closer but it is not and I don't feel comfortable selling it or trying to purchase something with Z right now until we are at least engaged, because you never know. Love is wonderful and all encompassing but it can be fleeting as well. I doubt that our love is the latter, but I still need to protect myself. This step back has made me realize that I was only partially functioning anyways so maybe this is what I needed to start participating 100% in my life again. Z is more than welcome to be part of that but I understand his side as well.
Being further away makes is necessary to use my time more wisely. I got off work, Z and I talked, went to the grocery store, I packed up, and then came home. It was 7:40pm and I was starving but I felt all ill at the same time. My legs were shaking as I was packing my things into my car as Z prepared his lasagna for dinner. I was grateful for the diversion because I don't think I could have packed everything up with him looking at me and trying to kiss and hold me and asking me if I was alright. I just couldn't. I didn't cry and my knees didn't buckle but they sure felt like they were going too the entire time. I didn't cry on the way home either. I just did a lot of thinking and planning of how I was going to get everything done (unpacking, dinner, gym, shower, packing lunch, and sleep) before 1am so that I could get up again in the morning 5am to go to the gym to get a start on my workout. While packing I was embarrassed due to the situation. I felt like a guilty child and to make matters worse I couldn't really talk about it or show any of my emotions because his roommate was there. But really what could I say? It was not my place and I didn't belong there anyways and over stayed my welcome so it was time to pack up and leave. I got just about everything except for a few things I'll leave there for when I feel comfortable staying with Z again. I might only do it when J is visiting his GF in Seattle though. It would make me feel more comfortable for now and I'm sure he would appreciate the break from seeing me everyday. It will be hard being away from Z but It gives me time to reflect. I'm not sad I did the last 10 months the way I did, but I know that it is time to start doing things differently. Hopefully Z will decide to be part of that, but only time will tell...
On a good note, after going to bed at midnight after a call from Z telling me he loves me and didn't want me to be sad I woke up at 5:15am and went to the gym. Yup you heard me right. How long has it been? Quite a while, but I really enjoyed it. I was able to shower, get dressed, get my things together, and leave the house by 7:40am while left me an hour and 20 minutes to get to work. Traffic was very kind to me as I got here in 50 minutes, but it if Friday so I'm sure any other day of the week might be worse. I'll have to try the same schedule on Monday to see if that works.
My dear mother called me while I was working out last night so I told her about the new changes in my life and that I joined JC so I won't be able to eat her cooking until I have a better handle on my food intake and my portion control. About 7 weeks or so I'm guessing. She was all worried that my love life has ended and that I'll be all alone. She's probably wondering if she'll ever be rid of me heh. Grandchildren, heck she might not ever get any at this rate. I don't know. I guess I'm just a late bloomer when it comes to love, relationships, and last of all marriage. It will come if that is what is in the books for me. Z says he loves me and that one day he wants to make that permanent, but I just don't know. I doubt myself more than I doubt him. Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm just good girl friend material? I don't know and I don't want to dwell on it now either. My mommy even called me this morning before I headed off to work all worried. She is so sweet but hopefully I put her fears at rest. Z called me twice last night saying how much he missed me. I miss him a lot too.
Maybe this is for the best. Either way I'm going to try my best to make it work. Z will be coming over this evening, so I'm sure that will make me feel better. I'll know when I look in his eyes and feel his arms around me that everything will be okay.



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