Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

158 this morning. WTH? Yup. I thought I should hop on the scale since it's been a while since the last time I had, but I nearly fell off when I saw the number that registered on the digital scale. That was just the scare that I needed to get my butt back in gear. This weekend I felt like I was shoveling food into my mouth with abandon. I didn't enjoy or taste. I just filled. To the brim. I've really been toying with the idea of going back to meetings but I'm not sure that is the answer. I really need to get real with myself and figure something out before I wake up and find myself back at 200 lbs!
At least I had a really good BM this morning after weighing in and have drank nothing but water and tea today so I'm sure that will help clear out the old system. I've had 11.5 points today and it's almost 9pm. I didn't workout today because I was just too tired and felt the need to sleep in. I felt like a lazy a$$ but I listened to my body and did it anyways. I'm still tired (go figure) but at least I haven't been falling asleep at work today. My 8's feel ok in the waist but could use a little more space so I can slide them further down my hips. on the other hand, my thighs are feeling a bit snug. Well more snug then they usually fit my in 8's. Definitely snugger than they felt last year. But then again that was last year and things have CHANGED and I need to accept that and move on. I was so unhappy last year but I'm in a really good place with my relationship this year so I should be and am very thankful for that! I need to find something else that works. Maybe going to meetings every week and hopefully finding a good leader/group to share my feelings and get good tips from is the ticket. I don't know. I know that I'm not going to go crazy about it though. I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion Z says and make myself so miserable that I forget the good things in my life. I don't want to do that so I'm trying really hard to look at the big picture. I'm just going to try to watch what I eat and document it. Go back to basics. I know that might be harder while Z and I are on vacation, but that doesn't mean that I can try to practice a bit of moderation right? I'll try to stay in the moment while eating and drinking while we're out but I intend to have a good time. I don't see how I can't while being with my sweetie ;).
I've got to be at work by 8am tomorrow and don't get off of work tonight until 11pm. Then I have to go back to work tomorrow at 3pm to finish my shift. It's going to be a 12 hour day tomorrow. I'm kind of toying with the idea of getting up at 5:30 to go to the gym, but I just know I would be falling asleep during the workshop from 8am-12pm and that would be just embarrassing now wouldn't it? I haven't worked out once this week, but I don't know when I'm going to fit it in either. I was going to workout this evening but I have to stay for an emergency change just in case. I know that once I do get home I'm going to snuggle with my Z and not leave him to go workout. Plus I shouldn't stay up too late since I've got to be up at 7am to get ready for the workshop.
I'm feeling good about today other than not getting a workout in. Sometimes it just doesn't workout. At least I've got the food under control today. I haven't been constantly shoveling food into my gullet. I've even left points over for when I get home and might be hungry. I usually eat with Z once I get home.
The last day of this shift is Dec. 9th and I can't wait! I've also been toying with the idea of getting a Precor EFX 5.23 elliptical from ebay for my house so that I can workout and watch TV whenever I want. I know I won't be able to use it all of the time until Z and I move into my place officially in a couple of months but it's a really good price so I kinda don't want to pass it up. Maybe Z will pay for half for my b-day/Christmas gift and I'll pay the other?
This last weekend was busy and Z and I had our first misunderstanding that left me in tears and in utter turmoil until we straightened things out. We quickly talked about it and we discovered that my words were not conveyed in the way they were intended and Z reacted with a bit more bravado than he intended. It left me a bit shaken up and unsure of myself to say the least. Might be part of the reason why I've found myself eating and not feeling. Mainly because I eat like that to suppress the feelings that I don't want to deal with. The numbness is comforting. But I also know that is a very quick way to put on the pounds so I'm working on putting the kibosh on that right away. So far so good.
Then Z and I were discussing how when he moves in the traffic is going to be nearly unbearable. He's going from a 8 minute commute to an hour minimum commute from my house. He hates traffic. He sometimes works erratic hours. He sometimes has to go into the office in the middle of the night. He doesn't handle traffic well. All of these things started to make my head spin. I hadn't thought about this move being hard on Z. I really don't want it to be hard on my baby. The thought of this made me feel very unhappy and selfish. Sad and helpless. Then I started trying to brainstorm some other options. But I couldn't think of any because we don't want to purchase something while we're not married and it would defeat the purpose of trying to save money by having him move into my house in the first place. I started to feel like a top spinning wildly around. Tipping from side to side. Unstable. Ready to topple at any time. Stability and passion are the two most important things I want present in my life at all times. I need these things to have a balanced and happy life. I've felt this way since I was a little girl. I feel my weight would be more stable if things were centralized. If I knew the general daily goingons of our life. I tired of having my things in two locations and never knowing what is where and having to make sure I have the necessities with me at all times. Some days are harder than others. It�s hard but it's worth it so that I can stay close to my Z. If Z's stuff were at the same place as mine then I wouldn't feel so bad leaving to workout and not feel like I was leaving him to be bored without with nothing to entertain him. I would know how much time I would need to drive out to the gym and workout and come home before we needed to do something. In essence I would have some type of general schedule in my life again. I really miss that but I also love the impromptu things that pop up daily. I just miss the feeling of control that I felt every morning getting up early enough to workout, shower and get ready for work and then after the day was complete I could run errands, go out to dinner, or have a few drinks before it was time to go to bed. I'm definitely a creature of habit I guess. I just feel kind of unbalanced while we're in-between situations. I can deal with it just as well as Z can deal with the traffic but some days it gets to me more than others, ya know? Feeling pretty good today. Hopefully tomorrow I will too.



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