157 this morning, pre breakfast, no coffee, no workout.

Went to the doctors, got my depo shot, talked about my thyroid and she says that I'm very healthy and there is nothing to worry about.

THEN WHY CAN'T I LOSE WEIGHT I said.

I watch what I eat, I eat 6 small meals a day, I workout sometimes twice a day, I do cardio and weights, I drink water and dry to live an all around healthy life. What gives? Why can't I weigh less?

She said that by looking at me she felt that I was at a good weight and that maybe I was carrying a little bit of extra around my core but that the rest of my body was very muscular and she felt that 140 was on the lean side for my frame and height. She said that I was very attractive and that I needed to realized that the number on the scale is not taking into account the muscle that I'm carrying. She went on to say that in history women carried the extra weight for having children and surviving periods of starvation and that I should be so happy that women like that survived to allow their genes to be past on to me in the future, although we don't appreciate it as much these days ;).

I explained that I felt pressured or frustrated because I have a mother that has always wanted me to be smaller for my own good, health and happiness. I have a boy friend who supports my healthy lifestyle but at the same time doesn't understand why my body won't let go of the fat even with more exercise and cleaner eating. In the end I feel frustrated, tired, and alone. Z continues to lose weight but I continue to bounce around. I know better to not compare women and men. The doctor cautioned me on that as well, but she stressed that there are certain women who will always be genetically more muscular. The most I need to be happy about is being strong and healthy.

I just sat there and began to cry.

Feeling my dreams of ever being skinny washing down the drain. But at the same time feeling slightly relieved that it wasn't just all in my head. But still incredibly frustrated all at the same time. I'm different. The doctor even says I'm different. But I just want to be normal. She said that I should be very proud of the fact that I'm so healthy and rarely get sick and that I' strong and very, very pretty. I don't know about that. I know I'm not ugly so to speak but I really hate discussing my looks. Other than how fit or how much weight I have to lose LOL.

I have many mixed emotions right now. She gave me a name or a therapist to talk to if I wanted to help me find peace with who I am and to be proud of the hard decisions I make everyday to live a healthy life style. I explained that I want to figure this all out now so that when Z and I have a family in the future, they won't have to deal with the struggles of colds, being over weight, being teased or worrying when they are young. I want my kids to be loving, respectful, and free. I want them never to worry about the weight. But I've got to start with me. Thank goodness Z is so supportive. I just need to get this weight thing straight in my head. I need to feel okay about things. I'm not sure I do right now though.

I forgot to mention the Accutane and if it's okay if I take it with Fahrenheit the latest thermogenic for women, but I can ask the Dermatologist tomorrow. Makes more send anyways. I just won't start taking them yet until I know for sure. If it weren't for the Accutane I would have started them this morning, but this stuff is serious so I'd rather know I'm in the green before starting them.

Still kinda recovering from way too much to drink on Saturday. Z had to rangle me in and take care of me all night. Some how I was able to get up after just 3 hours of sleep to go running and walking with my mom on Sunday morning. I don't know how, but I pulled it off. Without puking to boot! Got my hair done and got some good quality time with my mommy.

I'm going to take sometime to digest what I was told and will hold off on the thermogenic until tomorrow.

My brain is buzzing.

(Engaged 9/16/05)