156.2 after breakfast, coffee, water, workout and shower with one towel on body at gym.

So feeling pretty frustrated this morning. It started with Z's comment that our dinners have started to get large. Now we've been eating leftovers which consists of a lot of green stuff from my mom's garden. I try to eat as much green stuff and cut back on meet and starches late at night. I set out a variety of things because I want us to be able to choose what we want to eat. I can barely control what I eat, so what makes him think I can help with his? I was so frustrated!! I didn't tell him to eat it? I tried to add more green stuff. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Just set out the meet and rice? You need to eat veggies with it. Arrggghhh! I just don't know.

Growl.... Maybe I'll just feed us protein shakes at night. Then I wouldn't have to worry too much. Or maybe just water and crusty stale bread Harrrumph!

Then he proceeded to ask me if I was feeling bigger/better/stronger/faster after doing the extra workouts and to tell you the truth. No. But that is not what I'm trying to do. I definitely don't want to get BIGGER for goodness sakes! Better, hmmm yes, but I feel like I'm doing pretty well. Stronger, well I've always been strong so I don't know. Can I lift more than I do, yes, but I'm usually tired after one workout and a full day of working, so lifting more in the evening is hard, though I'm trying. Faster... Hmm I have always been able to run, though I haven't been doing it very much until recently and I find that I'm still able to do a pretty good clip, but I start out at 6.2 and then increase to 7.2 - 7.5 at the end. I wouldn't say I'm fast, but for my shortness and short stride I think I do pretty well. I'm not training for anything. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm trying to find something that I can do for the rest of my life. The double workouts I can't do, so I thought ensuring I get weights in, in the evening with Z's help I would be able to change things up a bit with my body and weight. Unfortunately things haven't worked out that way. I feel good. Tired a lot but that could be a plethora of things. He wants me to jazz things up, but I have! He things maybe sprints, but I hate them and then really hurt my legs. I don't have any interest in them. I can try them out to see, but I didn't like them in the past. Doesn't one need to be interested in doing something in order for it to be affective? I've never been a sprinter. I've got short legs. I'm a long distance runner if anything. I was NEVER a runner until I started the weight loss journey and it was mostly to lose weight. Not to become a pro runner. I have problems with my knees, feet and my ankles that aren't going to go away. They still hurt and throb after workouts. Plus the Accutane's side affects are muscle and joint pain. Nice huh? But I still move and sweat, but I don't push myself to the point where I'm hurting myself. Does that mean I'm not pushing myself enough? I sweat like a pig. I feel like I push past the pain quite a bit. Z says I'm in good shape but I'm not in phenomenal shape. Do I need to be? I just want to be normal. Normal weight for my height. Normal life style that is active and full of happiness. I just want to be normal. Not phenomenal. I want to be active but I want to enjoy my activities at the same time. I want to watch my food, but I want to have a glass of wine and a maybe a small treat sometimes. Is that too much to ask? I'm willing to work for the rest of my life at this, but it needs to be maintainable and not burn me out. I try to do things that I like and some things that I don't. I push myself to a level that I think is good for me. I actually thought I pushed myself pretty well. My trainer thought so as well. Z seems to think I'm holding back, but I feel like I'm holding back what little I NEED to keep going and not completely collapse which will cause me to hate the activity. The watching of what I eat. The trying to lose weight. That is my fear. What happens if I say the heck with it all? I will completely lose myself and HATE myself in the end and most likely lose Z as well. I wouldn't be myself. I can't do that. I need to continue making this a lifestyle change like I've always tried to do. Not a short lived thing. I know the double workouts were for trying to get things shaking, but it's not really working for me. It's working for Z though. After looking back at my food, I probably can cut out about 200-400 calories from my daily intake and that might help. I've tried to be pretty honest about what I eat in fitday and I'm definitely eating more than I want (1500 or lower) but at the same time I'm varying my calories. Some are on and some are high. I thought that as long as my activity is there I can do that but my body isn't really responding:(. I'll discuss all of this with my doctor this coming Monday when I go in to get my next Depo shot. TOM has completely stopped these last two months. My last period was right before I got my last shot. Nothing since. YAY! I've printed all my info from fitday and I've included articles on hypothyroid stuff along with the lab sheets from my last blood test. Hopefully she'll help me figure things out.

On the pimple front... Man there were not kidding when they said that things may get worse before they get better! I've got this HUGE pimple under my jaw on the left side. Or else it's a HUGE bite. Not sure but I'm guessing it's a really big, deep, red pimple :(. I'm going to call the spa to see how much those injections to shrink, remove swelling, and redness for pimples are and then try to figure out a way over there since I don't have a car - Grrrrrr!

Just hanging in there. Frustrated. But doing alright.

Is it Friday yet? Shoooot.

(Engaged 9/16/05)