Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

That is exactly how I feel society makes me feel about being a 30 year old female who is not married.
I does not matter that I graduated from high school (these days it seems like this is a feat), graduated from WWU and have been working in the corporate world ever since, well actually before I graduated from college. I work at Dream Company (MS), work with a wonderful group of intelligent and nice guys, and have a MARVELOUS boyfriend who loves me to death - even when I'm being flarey!

Nope.

I was talking to my mom the other day and things were going smoothly, but she sounded kinda tired so I asked how she was feeling and she said she wasn't comfortable with my living situation. What? Z just recently moved into my house with me so that we could remove the stress of keeping two places, trying to see each other, trying to have time to ourselves and disturb his ex-roommate and his gf and try just try to make sure there was food and laundry done at either place. Plus we save money and can get to finish the renovations a bit sooner staying at one place. The big reason - for us to be together as often as possible and prepare for "permanent" coupledom in the future hee hee. I get all embarrassed talking about it, but yeah were talking about it and have been since the start. I "heart" that man. He is not perfect. Either am I. But I truly feel we are meant for each other. We complement each other well. We are a partnership. We're still learning to navigate each other everyday but it never seems like too much of a struggle. We love each other and we are willing to go through with it. When it is time it is time. What makes me crazy is that everyday someone feels the need to remind me of it though... Has he popped the question? Oh he moved in with you, are you engaged yet? When is the day? Ohhh going on vacation, is he going to propose? I mean seriously folks!!! How the HELL am I supposed to know?? Isn't the girl supposed to be surprised? Isn't it up to the dude? I know there are bridzillas and girls that want to be part of it the entire way, but I want the fairytale all of a sudden he pulls out a ring and kneels down on one knee.... Is that too much to ask for? I'm not a whimsical type of girl. I'm actually to cynical for my age and have been for a long, long time sadly, but this I WANT. I deserve. We've talked about general metals, styles, etc. in limited conversation mostly because I'm so awkward about it. Yeah me. Even Z laughs at me. It's a HUGE deal ya know? Someone wanting to spend the rest of their days with you. Everyday belonging to someone. Day in day out. This better be right ya know? This isn't something to rush into. All I know is I feel very comfortable and blessed to even be considered for such a thing.

Now don't get me wrong. I do not feel marriage completes me. It is not something that I'm waiting for to fulfill my life. Do I look forward to finding my life partner and starting a family and seeing our faces and mannerisms reflected in the face/actions of our children - heck yeah! I feel it is the next step to my successful passage as a woman. I know I have the attributes to be a good partner, wife, mother, nurturer. I will hopefully gain more patience along the way but I know that I hold great potential. I know that I want to feel loved and want my loved ones to feel loved as well. But it's not like it's the end all to everything. There are still many things that I look forward to accomplishing in my life. It just bothers me that people make me feel less. It's not right. Like I'm gonna up and get engaged without telling anyone!!! If people know me, really know me they would know that is just not going to happen. Come on, it's not like a moment like this happens everyday ;). Z says he feels bad for me, because guys don't get that and if they do they can just basically say bug off, it's none of your business. What really torked me was my mother proceed to say that she wasn't sure about us living together (I'm 30 folks) and then asked if we ever talk about it (marriage) and why is it taking so long (we only been dating about a year and a 5 months though we've known each other for 5 years) and everyone else is getting married (not true, because several of my girl friends are still in the same boat), and that she wasn't going to say anything because she doesn't want to fight and I asked her not too. She's says a pretty damn bunch for not saying anything huh folks? ;) This was sparked by a wedding of a girl I used to baby-sit a long time ago. She is like 9 years younger than me and this is marriage number 2 folks!!!! Um yeah. Not to put her down, but that is not something that I want to repeat thankyouverymuch! my parents separated when I was 2, so I don't want to have anything to do with that either. I just want to be a sure as I can be. Is that too much to ask? I'm very happy I said and then she agreed half heartedly that is all that matters. She never stops worrying about things. When I'm married she wonder when we'll have kids. When we have kids, it will be are we setting enough money aside for them? And on and on and on and on... I really don't want to be this way. Always worrying. It's tiring and makes you grumpy and not accepting. Always critical though you say it's just because you care... The point is it makes you someone people don't want to be around. I don't think my mother understands that yet. I don't think she ever will. It's sad but I still love her though I don't want to be around it much. After that conversation I decided to bow out of spending too much time with her today unfortunately. She is a ticking bomb because my younger cousin is getting married in 3 weeks so she is still going to be talking about that and making comparisons and whatnot, so I'm trying to call and talk nice-nice but not trying to sabotage this truce by engulfing myself in her worries. I have enough stresses in my life that I've got to learn to navigate. I've got to learn to be happy. Really happy. I still struggle with it. Z is very attentive and catches me every once in a while. At least now I can recognize these "moods" and explain that I'm working through stuff and then they usually don't take too long. Maybe one day they'll pass. I hope so. I would hate this type of behavior to taint Z and my happiness. I'm trying my best and he is there every step of the way to help me smile... God I LOVE that man.


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