Day's Left until I become Mrs. Smith :)

Why so big???!!!!
Last Sunday when I stopped off to see my mom and pick up some yummy Korean kimchee veggie pancakes (similar to potato pancakes but spicy) that was the first thing she said to me as she grabbed my thigh in both little hands like a big hammock and big round eyes LOL. Now I had just finished a brutal leg workout with Z but come on.... They were not that pumped up!!! I wanted to say Hmmm genetics? Ahhh I accidentally filled them up with air before I walked into the room just to see your reaction. I mean really!!! At least I can sort of laugh at these crazy things my mother says. Like she hasn't ever seen my legs in the last 30 years. They have ALWASY been big. She used to call them "football legs". It used to really bother me and make me feel bad. I learned to like how strong my legs were and how muscular. That doesn't mean I didn't yearn for the day that my legs wouldn't be so hard to fit into jeans, shorts, anything really. I do not like showing my legs in public unless I'm playing a sport or working out. I've learned it is easier to do this than to deal with the stares and comments. Especially from my mother. You would think she would get over it but she never did. I believe my mother would be happier if I was born a petite little soft spoken girl, but alas that is not the case. I've learned that my mother will not change. Can not change. I have to accept this if I want to have a relationship with her. Z has tried to help me see the humor in these things instead. I'm getting there but I still react still. I didn't get angry though her comment surprised me because I felt they were actually getting smaller... silly me. I just paused for a second and moved on. There are many hurtful things that have been said to me by my mother. I know that I'm not alone. I never forget and the wound never complete heal. I'm very defensive by nature. Maybe that is why? I'm trying to stop my impulses to fight back whenever I feel threatened. Not all battles need to be fought so hard. I need to learn which ones are worth it and which ones are not. I'm still learning that ;). I just get frustrated. I wish I could be a smaller version of myself and I AM trying... I've added a link to my fitday journal. I'm watching what I eat and working out sometimes twice a day. WTH??!!! Still bouncing around and not below 155. I'm still going to see the doctor some time. My co-worker said he didn't think there was anything wrong with me. If I was hypothyroid he said I would know... But would I? What happens if I just assume it's other things. Should it be this difficult to lose weight? Do I need to cut my calories to 1300 or 1200 and continue to workout as I do? But then my next question is, is that maintainable? I don't want to live my life like that forever. Should I have too? Is that what it takes? I don't know maybe I just need a vacation. I've been EXTRA sensitive today. This week. Heck for a while it seems. No TOM to blame this behavior, because it seems Depo has finally taken that stress away from me again YAY! I don't know. I just feel tired. Need some time to relax. Not worry - as much LOL. I almost had a melt down this morning. I didn't have time to get ready yet again after the gym, but this time I didn't even get to put a bit of makeup or try to do my hair. I decided to do it at work but things blew up and then I had to make a mad rush to the ladies room (locker room is in the next building) to try to hopefully not disturb anyone doing their "business" and get my self put together for the day. I only bothered one person and I was done. I don't do much really, but drying and straightening my hair takes a bit of time. We were supposed to go to dinner with friends so I wanted to actually do my hair instead of doing a pony tail of some sort. I found out later that they have to cancel since their little one has had a temperature but is doing a bit better.
I just found out that I might have to accrue enough days before I can take more than 4 days off, but in the past everyone has taken the 3 weeks they get and tracked them later when they are available, so I don't know what the heck to make of that either.
I'm just looking forward to getting my eyebrows touched up again. It's been 2 years since I've had a touch up. I had them permanently tattooed 4 years ago or so. I might get my eyeliner above my lids done too. Anything to cut down on my getting ready time will make me happy. I don't know how good it will look or how dark it will stay (I usually use black eyeliner). Plus I'm not sure it will not damage my eyelash growth. I barely have any to start so I don't need to lose any LOL.
All in all a pretty shitty start to a day, but it's looking a bit better. Maybe it is a good day to take the evening workout off. I don't know. Blaaahhhh... Is it time to go home yet?




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