Hmmm I hadn't taken that into consideration. I mean in regards to my emotional swings of late that have picked up some speed the last couple of weeks. Poor Z was asking if it was something that he was doing that was maybe triggering my crying spells or my bouts of irritation, but at the time I really didn't know. I cried when I was happy and when I was sad. I'm usually not a crier, but I thought that maybe I was tired. Maybe I was still dealing with all the new things in my life. The new wonderful things I might add. I have every reason to be happy. Ecstatic, but there are so many times that I find myself scared and sad. Very sad. Or things that I don't think would normally shake me, do lately. I just thought that maybe the new wonderful things in my life shook loose some of the wet cement I had over the scabs on old wounds from my abrupt change of life. Some of the new faces I met maybe have made me think of all of the old people that I once called friends and family and how they are all just strangers to me now. People I knew for 8 years I no longer talk to or see... I don't know if they are ok, if they are in good health... nothing. I've already talked about my puppy, but these things/feelings would come out of the wood work and make me cry at the strangest times. I didn't think much of it at first.

Then little things started to bother me. I could feel myself react so quickly. But I could usually talk myself down after a while, but why did I let it bother me in the first place. Like this last weekend we went to St. Helens to visit Z's family and friends and such. We get there and there are already all sorts of people there. For some reason I immediately feel like a child being introduced to the kids on the block. They are all familiar and know each other already. They have established history. I'm the outsider. The stranger. T invites T to go play a game of badminton, but didn't ask me and it hurt. Why? I don't know? If I wanted to play I could have easily joined but I took it as rejection. Like she didn't WANT me to play. Z must of caught the look on my face and asked me why I wasn't going to play too, I mentioned something about helping his mom in the kitchen. He said to join him outside with the others, but I told him I wasn't asked. He said so what? Come on, but I said that I wanted to help him mom and that I didn't feel comfortable. Talk about juvenile. Yeah I know. But that is the way that I felt. Things were fine later, but why did that bother me? Even J said I was a bit touchy and that my "buttons" were easily pushed. I jokingly said yeah, I'm just tired, but that was just an excuse.

After talking to my friend J she mentioned how she felt like she had a mini mental breakdown last week and was all weepy and emotional. She didn't know why, but after talking to her mom it was pointed out that maybe she should look at her pills. We both are on the same pill and have been on it roughly about the same amount of time. We both suffered from a lot of bloating, tenderness, heavy flows, and cramping. I was the first to go through my period for 4 weeks straight. I absolutely SUCKED! To make things worse it wasn't light, it was heavy accompanied by hellish cramps and bloating. The worse experience ever. I still spot everyday. Some days are worse that others. Every time I go to the bathroom I spot. During intercourse I spot. Sometimes with cramps that follow. I'm tired of it, but I've been trying to put it out of my mind. Like it will go away. The first time I complained about my period sticking around for too long the doctor said my body was still getting used to the new pill and that it can take a couple of months. So I guess I've just been waiting it out. After talking to J, it looks like it's time to get a new prescription yet again. J's going to give me the name of the stuff she was on before and what she is going back to now that seem to work really well for her and it was a lower dose of progesterone that the stuff we are on now. I hope this works. I'm no looking forward to the old body having to adjust to this too, but anything has got to be better than this. I think... Gawwww I even cried while talking about it to J! Time to make another change. Hopefully this ride is a little less bumpy.

BTW I�m also going to try to get back on play. Enough of this messing around! Back to counting points as of today. I�m sure I gained a few pounds over the weekend but I�m destined to get it off. Still doing cardio and weights. The WW plan helped me loose 56 lbs (now I�m at more like 45), so I�m going back to it. Hopefully I�ll be able to stay on plan for at least 5 days. That is what I�m shooting for anyways.

Z and I are going to climb Spider Gap. Thought the name is less than appetizing the sites are supposed to be better than our trip to Mt. Aix! Plus it maybe just the two of us this time. We�re going to make it a 3 day trip. It should be a good trip and workout for both of us. AND we get alone time. All in all should be fun.

(Engaged 9/16/05)