Isn't it amazing how pictures can take you back in time? Back to the exact moment the picture was taken. Triggering a flood of memories in it's wake.

I started looking at some pictures from my past. Some that I haven't looked at for a while, because I've been avoiding it. It's still a bit painful. Messy. Undone. Not neat an organized like my type �A� personality likes things to be. I like order. I like things to be organized. Everything has it's place. Whether it is a dirty sock or a clean glass, it has a place that it should reside in my little world. It makes me feel a peace. Things are balanced. Stable. Yin and Yang.

It started out with me finding the folder that I stored the pictures of my dog. He is my ex's dog, but he was once all mine. When he was 8 weeks old L didn't know how to deal with him, so he was primarily my responsibility. He whimpered a lot and was easily scared. He needed his mama, so that was the role I played. He was such a cute little guy. I loved that dog so much!!! He was my baby. I would sleep with my head in his crate with my had on his little back and try to lay there until he feel asleep and then I would try to sneak away to the bed to sleep myself. Inevitably my knee or hip would pop which would cause him to wake up and cry for me and I would have to kneel back down to care for my baby. Yeah I know I spoiled him, BUT HE NEEDED ME! :) All my nurturing instincts came alive when that little 8 week old puppy came into L and my life.

I originally didn't want a puppy. We didn't have the time, money, or extra affection it would take to raise a puppy properly. We were barely making it by with just the two of us. We disagreed often. Money was tight. We were both busy with our own hobbies. How the hell were we supposed to support a puppy that needed tender loving care and training? I was so worried, but I knew that once I caved and said we could bring the puppy home I was not going to fail at the task. Prideful much? Yep! And darn proud of it too hee hee. Once he hit about 6-8 months. We had him nurtured, but he was still very aggressive at times and he was growing so BIG. This is when L really started to get involved with him which was great, because I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough! In the end I didn't want to separate them so I gave the dog to the ex. I knew that he loved that dog more than life itself and would do right by him. Plus I felt bad enough removing myself from L's life (even though I knew it was the right decision), but to take the dog as well was just plain cruel. I haven't seen either of them since late December when I told him it was over and that I couldn't go back. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. To see the hurt on his face. To try to stay firm with my decision when he asked me to give it yet another try. I knew that it wouldn't work. It hadn't worked in the past 8 years, so there was no chance it was going to work now. Once I make up my mind there is no changing it.

There are still things that I need to do that might give me some closure. I HOPE they give me some closure, because I don't want to feel this way forever. I don't want to forever be side stepping parts of my life because it dregs up feelings I'm not ready to deal with. Maybe these hurts will never heal. Maybe they will just fade a bit with time, but never really disappear. I guess I could live with that, but for now I need to organize these last few items in my life. Store them away in a safe place. Somewhere I will know where to look when I want to remember. To reminisce. To hear the laughter. See the smiles and remember the good times. By then I hope the pain will fade to a dull throb that fades to the background unnoticed.

I've asked a friend to burn the pictures to a CD for me. I will soon pack up the last few things that remain in the house. Then I'll ask L's best friend to take them to L's mother's house. I'm sure he would appreciate that. It would be easier on me as well. Then maybe I can stop thinking about it for a while. When I'm a lone with nothing to occupy my mind maybe the thoughts won't sneak into my brain causing my thoughts to churn and keep me up at night. I want to be able to enjoy the new love in my life without the foreshadowing of my past. 8 years is a long time. A lot of who I am was established during that time, but just like flowers, people grow and change. I want to be able to bend and twist in the sunlight without any thing holding me down. I want to be free. Is that too much to ask?

I'm really looking forward to the backpacking trip this weekend. I'm sure the views will be breathtaking and the hike challenging, but I have reservations too. When we're hiking I'm sure there won't be a lot of talking, which means that my mind might start to wonder. I want to have a good time on this trip. I do not want to be moody or weepy. I want to interact with the rest of the group as much as possible. Most importantly I want to spend quality time with Z, because that above all else will make me happy. I know it. I'm going to try my best to take a few solitary moments to my self on the hike to "feel" things out and to maybe write down a couple of thoughts as they come. I'll try to get some pictures as well.

One more day until we leave.

(Engaged 9/16/05)