I was readying through Jessi's journal and it makes sense to point out why I'm going doing this.

As Jessi said I'm okay where I am. I've been able to maintain 155-150 for about 2 years now. I started at 200 lbs about 6 years ago. I did WW to lose the first 25 lbs in roughly a year. Then I hit a plateau and stopped going to meetings. I then signed up for WW online but couldn't get it together. This was about the time I started contemplating using my credit card to pay for the Lap Band surgery in Mexico. I was dead set on doing it. I wasn't going to tell my mother. I was so focused. Then one person close to me asked me if I was ready to throw in the towel at 175 lbs. Was I ready to give up? Did I really do everything that I could do? I got defensive at first, then I started thinking about it and I realized that I wasn't done. I HATE to lose. I don't like to not finish anything I start either. So I gave it another try. In 3 months I lost another 25 lbs. I had never been less than 175 in my life. I remember being in the 8th grade and having my mother try to bribe me with purchasing me clothes if I lost weight. That never worked. I had to do it for myself. I finally did that. It took me a while to not be afraid. Afraid of gaining 50 lbs over night. Afraid that I was born a fat girl and would always be a fat girl with a pretty face. But while I was smaller than I had been in my whole life I enjoyed shopping but felt really uncomfortable with the way people treated me. It took me a while to get used to it. I also had a really hard time dealing with my mothers compliments all of the time. I felt resentful. Angry. Lost. Then I met Z. He helped me deal with a lot of the uncertainty. He made me answer questions that I wasn't ready to deal with. Maybe question my motives. Asked me what I wanted to do to reach my goals. Helped me figure out a way. At least to give it a try. Made me believe in myself. So here I am giving it a try. For me. For my happiness. For my health. For my future. For us. I'm giving it my best shot.

WW got me where I am now, but I want to be more than "average". I want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want to feel confident. I want to have my clothes glide on and not require tugging or pulling. I want to be lean and mean. I want to feel strong. I want o use my strengths to help me achieve my goals. I know I will never be a skinny minny. I don't want to be a skinny minny. I want to be able to carry myself, but I want to be feminine at the same time. This is very important to me. I want to be a "better" me. In the future I would like to compete in a figure competition. This year might be a bit too much to ask for as the wedding will be happening soon, but that doesn't mean that I can't get my body into shape now and do it later.

There are 90 days until the wedding. I'm going to break my challenge into 7 weeks stints. If there is anything that I learned is that you have to break things up into feasible pieces or it can become too much.

So there is my story. I want to be the best me and I'm willing to throw down to get there.

(Engaged 9/16/05)