I don't know what it is, but I feel down. Not sure why. I've got a wonderful family that loves me. I've got a great guy who treats me like a Queen, makes me giggle till I almost pee my pants, and loves me from my head to my toes. I just got back from a wonderful vacation to a beautiful magical place. I've got a job and recently got paid for overtime that I've earned over the last several years. I got a 10 foot Christmas tree with my sweetie and my health is good. I know that I'm not happy about my weight gain and I KNOW what I need to do to get if off, but can't seem to stop the feelings of displeasure when I feel how my jeans fit me when they used to be baggy. I feel like frustration is just seeping out of my pores and I can't stop it. I have been making an attempt to workout. Yesterday made 4 days I believe (I can't remember if I worked out on Friday or not). Today is the first day of no chocolate though I'm fighting my urges BIG TIME. There are temptations at every corner but I'm trying to hold it together. I don't really want chocolate. It's just that it's every where right now. Donut holes. Cookies. Candy. etc.
The fact that I'm up like 10 lbs from my lowest is also not making me happy with myself and unfortunately carries over to how I interact with the people I love I think. I've been crying about things and frustrated about things that are totally solvable, but I get myself worked into a tizzy and make mountains out of mole hills as Z likes to say ;).
I'm just trying to stay calm and enjoy the holiday season. Now that my Christmas plans with my family are all out on the table and I'll be able to spend time with them and Z's family I'm feeling more at peace. Now I just need to finish my shopping done and I'm sure that will make it all the better. I'm going to try to spend the rest of the holidays with cheer instead of a grimace on my face.
I CAN and WILL do this! I want to have a happy holidays and most importantly I want Z to have a happy glowing girl friend instead of a weepy frustrated one.
I've been working out on the Lifefitness cross rainier and the Precor, but I've recently added 15 minutes of the stair mill. Holy Cow that thing is a good workout. I'm going to see if I can do maybe 30 minutes on it tonight and 30 on the Precor set to a high incline and medium resistance. I've bought new magazines to keep me motivated and everything. I'm also not going to try to get all frustrated about not being able to workout in the morning. I just want to get a workout in. I would prefer the morning but if I'm not going to go to bed before 11pm then forget it. I need my sleep as well or I'll be worse for the wear during the day. Sorry Z for hitting the snooze bar like 80 times this morning! I hope you didn't loose too much sleep sweetie.

Goals for this holiday season:
1. Smile more than grimace/frown
2. Enjoy spending time with the people I love.
3. Try to eat clean but enjoy the treats that I do decide to eat.
4. Try to workout 5 days a week. Maybe I will use Z's mom's treadmill this time when we go down instead of being embarrassed like I was last time. Or maybe we can make it to the gym like before. Or I could go for a run or a long walk.
5. Try not to stress.
6. Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night.
8. Kiss and hug Z whenever I feel the need :).

(Engaged 9/16/05)